What’s LOVE Got To Do With It?

I blind-date roasted somebody in my last post; then my website got hacked EEEEK. That’s all fixed now but life’s a beotch and she got back at me real quick on that roast. I had the pleasure of running into the roasted dude at the grocery store. Why that had to happen, well, karma is the only reason I can think of! It was so awkward. In the store – he actually asked me why I wouldn’t see him again. Really? You’re gonna ask me that question in the beer aisle of the grocery store? The simple response here: no chemistry, OK? Small town probs.

Please listen to Tina:

L.O.V.E. what is it anyway?

I cannot utter the words of the title of this post without singing them in my head, to the tune of Tina Turner. Unlike Tina, I don’t believe love is a “secondhand emotion”. I would say it’s the primary current that carries us all forward: love of self, love of god (as that may be for you personally), love of family, love of friends, love of what we do professionally and love of what we do to have fun. Love just IS.

Our possession obsession has got a lot of people running… on the sly. We haven’t been given the skills to be fully engaged with ourselves FIRST so that we can be healthy partners. I know because that’s ME. That’s been me. For two decades I’ve been fucking around, literally and figuratively, trying to figure out this game of life, love, sex, and partnership. And oh boy have we ever gotten more and more confused and effed up.

I know I’ve said it before, even recently, but time and again we are confusing LOVE with attention; we are DYING for LOVE, we are DYING for validation. But, we are confusing LOVE with possession – the need to POSSESS someONE, someTHING, anything to satisfy the coupling requirement. Love is love. It just IS. Our needs beyond the basics (air, food, water) are simple – I believe we all want to be touched; we want to be caressed and kissed; simply put, we want intimacy. It feels really great to be naked and intertwined with another naked body. Do we NEED it to live? No, we do not. Do we NEED it to be complete? No, we do not. This force behind the coupledom requirement is making us bad people. We make desperate attempts, cling to relationship for all the wrong reasons, and get turned upside down when the fairy tale comes crashing down to reality. It amazes me how many times I’ve been reading an article about being single, and it was seemingly so spot on until the end when there is so often that little jab that still ends up validating coupledom. Sick of it.

And a lot of other people are sick of it too. This is not my own novel concept; I hear the same story over and over again. When are we going to STOP buying into the coupling requirement that’s been ingrained in us, shoved down our throats? Can we for one minute STOP focusing on a partner or partnership and actually turn that focus right back at ourselves? Speaking to myself here, and the journey I’ve been on for several years now. It is time for a new language and to go beyond this constant hammering on about our need to be partnered. It’s just not true. In fact, if you haven’t ever spent time alone in your life? I would say you are doing yourself a disservice, that’s all. We become so much more when we can actually BE alone, soothe ourselves, feel lonely here and there (and recognize, for instance like me, that it’s simply because I’m bored), LOVE ourselves. Love doesn’t have to prove itself. We don’t fall in and out of LOVE. We fall in and out of having complex feelings for someone. And if you can continue to access the undercurrent of LOVE that is always there – you can possibly maintain friendships with your exes.


SEX isn’t Love either.

To for instance, the guy who I roasted last month, and he tells me first that he’s not looking for just a friend, hinted that he is looking for a partner, then tells me he LOOOOVES having sex. Ya, ok. Me too. But when he says naughty sex and I press him for what he means by naughty he proclaims he doesn’t want to share at the risk of embarrassing ME. Well, I didn’t let it go and turns out naughty for him is that he wanted me to fuck him in the bum. There’s nothing wrong with that. Just so happens I’m not into it (btw, I don’t think that’s very naughty, either). And this is all fine and dandy but the question is – are you looking for sex or are you looking for partnership? Or are you looking for a bandaid because you don’t know how to be by yourself and be comfortable with that. If someone tells me what they like in bed within the first hour of meeting them, I am going to assume they just want to fuck. Right? If I say, I want to be friends first (I don’t have the desire to randomly hop in the sack with just anyone) and then you bring up naughty sex – well, we aren’t on the same page and I have an easy out: no “chemistry”. We aren’t on the same page. Please don’t make me explain these things in the grocery store.

I AM enough.

What people ask me often is, if you have a lover, doesn’t that prevent another from entering into your life? I don’t think so. Plus, who says that’s what I want? Isn’t it best I present myself feeling as whole and as complete and as healthy and as happy as possible? I would say absolutely YES. What I’m attempting to live and talk about and I keep saying it over and over, and I’m reading about it OVER and OVER is that us single gals are sick and fucking tired of the attitude that we aren’t complete without a partner. I’m not a woman dating in my twenties. I’m a woman completely and wholly satisfied at nearly fifty. I purposefully embrace being single. Did you read that?? I PURPOSEFULLY embrace being single. If you want to tell me that someone is still out there for me, or to not give up HOPE on my soul mate, or the handful of phrases that people, primarily in relationships, say to us singles – well, I’m here to tell you again and again and again: I CHOOSE TO BE SINGLE. There are men who want to be in a relationship (with me) but who don’t interest me enough to change my fabulous lifestyle. Yes, this is in LARGE part due to my current lover. While I don’t get to see my lover as often as I’d like (I don’t get to suck his cock as often as I’d like) he keeps me very satisfied. He also keeps me from making the same mistakes I’m tired of making. Fucking just for the sake of fucking. Ultimately, I desire intimacy, the next best thing beyond our basic human needs.

You may be asking why would I want to be single? I’ve had to ask myself the same question and I’ve also been asked so many times (by men, see my last post recounting the date scene), that I’ve gotten clear about my answer and my intention. I’m SATISFIED in my life. I feel whole, I feel complete, I feel as though I’m blessed, I have love in my life, I have sex in my life, I have intimacy in my life, I have a career, I have amazing friends, I have family. Partners are messy. Lol Not to say partners aren’t worth the messiness. I just have very little tolerance for what that MESSINESS might be. Do I second guess my singleness at times? Yes, I do. Once every so often I get a little bit bored and a little bit lonely. I wonder: am I missing something? Then I remember all that I have yet to accomplish – my dreams, my goals, my desires. There’s not a lot of room there.

Ya, I’ve got THOSE too.

And let me confess to you the other side of this – I got issues. I have trust issues. I have highly complex communication skills which I expect in return. I’m actually quite healthy emotionally despite the trust issues. But, just like the song on the radio these days says: “I got issues. But you got ‘em too”. I don’t envy any man attempting to get close to me. I’ve made horrible mistakes, I’ve fucked and fucked up, I’ve made poor choices, I’ve been cheated on and lied to, I’m quite possibly a sex addict. I can agree that a sex session must feel similar to a shot of heroine to a heroine addict. I’m calmer, easier to be around, a real joy in fact, when I’m having sex. LOL I don’t always have mind blowing sex (booyah). But it’s been mind blowing so many times, I lost track of that number years ago. It’s easy to get spoiled by amazing sex and I have an incredible lover. Sets up some expectations that are difficult to beat!  I recognize this about myself.

So, ya, I like sex QUITE A BIT. Haha. Who doesn’t?!?!  It gets me in trouble too! Good trouble, bad trouble, all kinds of in-between trouble. Thankfully it has evolved from my 20s to my 30s to my 40s and I’m making a strong attempt at having a completely different relationship with SEX headed into my 50s. (omg I can’t believe I’m uttering that number haha). I’m spoiled. I’ve had loverships in all decades of my life that have been wonderful and have shaped me in to the woman I am here and now. And I’ve had quite a few, you know, hookups that have also shaped me into who I am today – both in the bedroom and outside of the bedroom. I’ve kissed quite a few frogs! As this article, “6 Sayings Worth Rethinking” is validating – I don’t need to do that anymore, nor do I have the patience for it.

  1. “You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”
    No, you don’t. Stop kissing frogs and do something productive, like reading a book or going to Greece or learning Mandarin. You can’t control when you meet your Prince or Princess Charming, but you can control the quality of your life in the meantime. Do that.
  2. Read more: http://www.oprah.com/inspiration/amy-brill-6-sayings-worth-rethinking/all#ixzz5BuKgT2Pc

In the spirit of living my life to the fullest – I’m going to spend a month in Italy later this year. Tell me that doesn’t sound like the love affair of a lifetime!! I’ve traveled to some exotic places and I’ve lived on Maui which is pure magic. But ITALY – swoon. For my trip, I splurged on a new suitcase. My Away suitcase has got me thinking about intimacy. Here’s me getting intimate …… with my gorgeous piece of new luggage. We’re gonna be making love all the way through Italy together! Isn’t she just a beauty? A carry-on, and a life-time warranty! I’m totally in looooooove.

Bottom line, I’m not a 49yo woman dating like I’m in my 20s. My standards are quite a lot higher. Lately, I either seem to encounter men who want me to marry them and move for them , or men who want polyamorous situations (hence, running away to Italy.) I recently was told about an event in the Seattle area for swingers essentially. Eye opening, I’M SURE. I explored some of that back in the 90s in San Francisco. I didn’t engage, I observed. I was exposed to sexual revolutionary ideology. It was fabulous. I mean SF and its surrounding areas had been on the forefront of sexual revolution well before I arrived on the scene. I was an innocent bystander/observer. Yes, I did say innocent. I know that’s hard to believe, haha but back then I was certainly witnessing a kind of sexuality that I’d not been privy to up to that point in my life, being the Christian girl from a small town. In my opinion, 2somes are complicated enough. 3somes, 4somes or more invites that much more drama. Oooooobviously I have nothing against it. However, in my experience, there’s quite a lot of opportunity for unhealthy predators looking for opportunity to prey upon and consume vulnerable individuals; I’m uncomfortable with that. We all think it’s our “dream come true”… ok, not we all, but many dudes esp want to have a 3some with two women. Yes, I’m making wide-sweeping statements, but you catch my drift. It can be fine, it can be great, it can be awful. It’s all fun and games until the young woman gets flogged by the two older men in front of you just after witnessing what felt like a sexual healing moment for her. While we move towards opportunities to explore our sexuality I’m also hoping that we do it from a place of wholeness and completeness.

Ready, Set, GO!

Get healthy with yourself! To get started: Goal for the ladies, something to do this week, starting right now; Get the mirror out, lay down , spread your legs, get in there with your fingers and spread those outer pussy lips apart and check out those luscious pink ones on the inside! Then show your partner!

Until next month,