I have had a crazy busy month and I’m so happy to get back to the fun of writing about S.E.X.! I’m gonna go ahead, jump right in, stir the pot, and get emotions on edge with one word: WHORE. I’m excited to BANG out this post for you. I’ve been marinating in this concept for …well, for my entire life essentially. Because I’m a woman. Particularly, I’m a sexual woman. So, therefore, there’s no escaping it. I have NOT accepted money for sex. Just to get that cleared up. When I say, “I’m a whore” I’m referencing a generally accepted concept that someone who is promiscuous is essentially referred to as a whore. Yes, according to “society” – I’m a whore.
When I mentioned to a good friend that I was going to admit I’m a WHORE in my next blog post, she was [w]horrified. She had an immediate and strong reaction to the word WHORE which is exactly why I want to discuss it here. She validated my point. There’s NO SHAME necessary when it comes to admitting this. I’m not attempting to demonize myself, or cheapen myself, or embarrass myself. Quite the contrary. I’m here speaking, writing, to normalize sexuality; my sexuality and your sexuality!
First, we’ll take a deeper (teehee) look at the meanings of the words WHORE and PROMISCUOUS and MORALS (boo, boring) too.
1: a woman who engages in sexual acts for money; a promiscuous or immoral woman.
2: a male who engages in sexual acts for money.
“Whore”. Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster n.d. Web 10 June 2018.
Urban dictionary’s “top definition” of whore is: “A woman that sleeps with everyone but YOU!!!!!!” https://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=whore
And, PROMISCUOUS. What does THAT mean according to the dictionary?
“…3. having or involving many sexual partners: not restricted to one sexual partner or few sexual partners.”
“Promiscuous”. Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster n.d. Web 10 June 2018. https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/promiscuous
Hmmmm, yep, that’s me. So, get it? Simply put – because I’m a sexually active woman I’m considered a whore. And the only reason that’s a problem is because “whore” has a negative connotation. Why? is what I’m asking here.
If you ever think it is EASY for me to continually be admitting to the world some of my deepest (there’s DEEP again!) parts of myself, well, you are wrong. It is not easy. But, it’s important and I have a commitment to myself and to others to make a difference. Why do I choose to blatantly claim, “I’m a whore”? So that we can evolve into acceptance of ourselves as sexual beings. If you will, GOD made us sexual beings. MAN has put parameters and forced “morals” into our sexuality and into our sexual world. Fuck that. Instead, I suggest we just FUCK. So much more fun. Fucking feels FUCKING GOOD. When it’s all on the table – well, then, there’s a lot less room for the bullshit we’ve come to fear: the very thing my friend expressed at just the mention of the word whore. And we have sexual dysfunction in this world because we have so much sexual repression and we aren’t talking about the important topics. That comes from the …. well, I better not get into too much history here. But, you know, let’s just say “the church”. It comes from “the church” and WHO is in charge of “the church”? Ultimately, I am in charge of “the church” because I decide what GOD is telling me or not telling me. For ME.
RIGHT. WRONG. IN BETWEEN.
This brings us to morals. Oh sheesh, what am I getting myself into here? I’m going deep (I just said DEEP again) into a rabbit hole which has to include at least a short discussion regarding MORALS (booooo, boring).
Let’s look at the definition of MORAL first:
- a: of or relating to principles of right and wrong in behavior.
“Moral”. Merriam-Webster.com. Merriam-Webster n.d. Web 10 June 2018.
WHO decides what is right and wrong? What a subject all its own! We certainly must have a compass. I cannot disagree with that and must discuss it in some basic detail. The compass involves consenting adults. In fact, I’m going to go further and say I’m talking about consenting adults in America where we have certain freedoms and privileges. Good Lord recently there’s some disgusting dude running for a public office (far away from me thank goodness) who believes it should be legal to have sex with children and that is his political platform. Um, NO, that is GROSS and unacceptable. So, obviously that guy doesn’t decide what is morally acceptable. We certainly have horrible sexual things happening daily in our world (sex trafficking for one). Those disturbing problems aren’t solved overnight. But we can start by having a conversation about why it’s OK to want to fuck more than one person in a lifetime and why we don’t need to EXPLAIN why we want to fuck 50 guys, not just 1 guy. No, this is not a gateway drug type-of-thing we are talking about here.
Ultimately, as I embark on the journey of exploration and of putting it all out there in this blog for you to read and judge ….in turn, I expect myself to explore all of myself gently and WITHOUT judgment. All my talk about being single. All my talk about being in relationship. More than once I have thought to myself – why not explore a relationship with myself. This is more than just being single. It’s going deeply into my soul… and into my fears… and into my past. This is no easy task by any means: exploring the vulnerable bits of myself. Reality check of: past relationship choices, current relationship choices, the whys and what-nots; where I will go in the future and WHO will be part of my journey.
Merely being a woman at times feels as though it is a given that I be at once BOTH a whore and the Madonna. Many men want both – at the same time, and usually not as the same woman. (Not ALL men. Ok, there, got that out of the way.) MANY men want [one] their woman who is at home in the kitchen preparing their meals and tending to their children and [two] their sexy, scantily-clad, painted whore who will suck them to their heart’s content ….but elsewhere…. at the brothel or in their parked car. Because as a friend so succinctly put it, “I can’t ask the woman who I’ve married to fuck me in the ass with a dildo.” Apparently, this Madonna-Whore idea is a “complex” as when I Googled it, there’s LOTS to be said about it. And Sigmund Freud is attributed to coining the term. Here’s a short little article about the “Madonna-Whore Complex” if you so desire, including a quote I couldn’t have said better:
“At some point, we need to put an end to this madness. And we do so by throwing the rulebook out the window – by texting when we want to text, sleeping with whomever we want to sleep with, by refusing to deny our pasts in order to preserve a sick conceptualization that someone else holds of us. We end the game by ceasing to entertain it in absolutely any form. By letting people show us who they are before we go ahead and decide it for them. We end the game by being honest about who we are instead of twisting our image to resemble who we think others want.”
Prostitution is often considered to be the world’s oldest profession; and the first profession where a WOMAN was allowed to be a business owner. When I think about that – I feel empowered; not dis-empowered or embarrassed.
During this past month, we had a holiday. On June 2nd. Anyone know what that date is? It’s International Whores Day. I came across this Humans of New York post and I really really really want you to click on the link and read this:
What I found equally fascinating were the COMMENTS (on the humansofny Instagram post) about what this woman said. The comments show how far apart we are. There are over 4000 comments. They range from: “I LOVE this” to “That’s messed up” to “TY TY TY TY TY TY TY TY” to “You are absolutely delusional” to “….and we wonder why our youth has strayed so far..because we validate the degradation of the female body and call it “feminism”. This is NOT feminism. Girls, do not let the modern world fool you. Your body is nested in pure wisdom. Honor the container that houses this purity.”
One of my favorite comments, “I don’t think like you but I respect you and I agree we should be respectful with every human [being] J”.
Have you ever found yourself being ignorant? I have. This Humans of New York post blatantly touches upon WHY we get triggered in conversation if the topic is one involving thoughts and ideas that we ourselves have never heard or thought before. Immediately that can trigger an extreme response. This post speaks blatantly to ignorance and how we can overcome ignorance within ourselves just by being willing to TALK and LISTEN.
We all need to stop trying to control others. It’s not our job, nor our task, nor our right to tell others how to LIVE their lives. Open to the ideas and delve deeply into your own fears and emotional triggers. LISTEN to people. This woman is talking about the OLDEST PROFESSION IN THE WORLD. Sex is not going anywhere. Churches have tried their damnedest to eradicate it. Not gonna happen. Not as long as we have pussies and cocks, and desires.
Bottom Line: let’s stop being stupid about sex. We’ve gotten into some bad habits.
Ladies, you first.
You, me, WE are all too ready to over-acknowledge what is good sex. We are giving up the praise WAY TOO EASY. Here’s how I know. We are at a restaurant and the younger hot dude with the man-bun gives us at-best mediocre service but the birthday girl wanted to leave an extra $5 tip (we had already tipped more than 20%) because he gave her a free drink, which happened to be on the dessert menu. I told her NO. No, we are not giving the mediocre cute boy an extra tip.
This is happening in bed too. We all know how many of us (you because I don’t) FAKE orgasms. STOP MAKING MEDIOCRE SEX OK. You are ruining it for everyone. Us ladies now, the generations after you. Women deserve better. Oh jeez, I said deserve.
Stop letting men be lazy and mediocre in bed. It really is time.
Are you afraid you’re being replaced? I mean, first there’s dildos and vibrators and many “replacement sex tools” for women to use; and now there’s also the #metoo movement. Are you getting the impression (finally) that we are sick of your SHIT?!?!
Awwww come on, don’t get too ruffled. You know I love me some hard DICK. I mean, haven’t I been talking about how much I love dick for the past year?? You know I’m not letting go of that warm, real, cock spewing cum on my tits, in favor of my blue dong entirely. HOWEVER, some women are!! Heads up.
There’s NO denying vibrators and dildos are amazing. I don’t personally often opt for a vibrator because I like to keep my clit sensitive. BUT know this guys: you’re walking out the door for work and your woman is pulling out her vibrator. If she has one, she is using it. With or without you. More often than not, probably without you. Teehee.
So, get OVER yourselves. While, yes, your dick is well, sick. It’s NOT as sick as you think…. stop thinking with your cocks. It is getting OLD already. Branch out. Your dick is NOT who you are, and it doesn’t define you. I’m sure many of you are you thinking right now, “well, duh.” Think about that – DUH. Because you are pretty much always and only thinking with your dicks. It is soooooo obvious.
One more thing – if you get busted by your WIFE looking at a dating site where the women are topless and try to claim it’s just “porn” – you’re stupid. If you think there isn’t a difference between a porn site and a dating porn site, you’re stupid.
I LOVE CAKE. EXTRA CREAM FROSTING PLEASE.
What is the deal with the phrase “you can’t have your cake and eat it too” like wanting both is a bad thing. Why would I just want a cake to stare at? Of course if I want a cake then I’m going to eat it too. What a dumb saying.
To clarify, for purposes of this post, cake = dick.
I’m absolutely having my cake and eating it too. Omg I’m having my cake in all kinds of ways and I’m having a blast eating all that I can squeeze out of it. Every last drop. I intend to continue to have my cake and eat it too… throughout this year and beyond. Why would I ever say, oh for now I’m going to just have my cake so it can sit here and I can stare at it because it would be soooooo selfish of me to eat it too. I like cake and I eat the shit out of it.
WHEN WE ACT ON SHOULD OR SHOULDN’T.
I am fortunate in my life. I only have one regret. Have I made numerous stupid choices? Yes, I certainly have. But only one of those do I actually regret: not going to Australia with my lover. This was a long time ago, back in the day when I was making most of my stupid decisions. I’d traveled with my lover previously but we lived far apart from each other, so our relationship went something like this: near each other (as in within grasp), we were TOGETHER (no one else mattered); far from each other (separate states), we were APART, no commitment. So, we traveled together or we visited each other where we were living. It was really quite a lovely arrangement. Then one time he asked me if I wanted to go to Australia with him. And I said no. STUUUUUUUUUPID. Why did I say no? Because I thought I SHOULD. Have I discussed how I feel about the words should and shouldn’t before? If those words enter into my equation for action, I typically do NOT make a decision at all. For me, if it’s a matter of should or shouldn’t then it means to put the decision on HOLD. Why do I feel so strongly about these words?? Because “should” indicates obligation. I don’t believe obligation is a good reason to do something. It opens the door to resentment.
Back to Australia, so I didn’t go because I thought I should start getting more serious about finding someone serious to be in a relationship with. Fuck, I’m still looking for that!! 25 years later. THAT’S why I regret the decision because I wholeheartedly feel as though it was the WRONG decision made for the WRONG reason.
Why do we feel like we need something other than we have? I had a good, fun thing going on back then. Why did it need to be more? Besides the coupling requirement that’s been shoved down our throats our whole lives? Well, of course there are real and practical reasons: children, shared finances, keep loneliness at bay, support, partnership in general. Basically, we all pine for partnership. It’s deeply ingrained: two is better than one. This can be absolutely true in so many ways, at its base level. But we don’t keep it there, do we, at that base level? Nope. We mess it all up with stuff like: moods, emotions, expectations, insecurities, fear, and control; a toxic mix of some or all of these. Good Lord. Is it any wonder why most of us are a hot mess when it comes to a relationship/partnership? I mean, seriously admit it – you’re a hot mess, or have been at one time and probably will be again in the future.
Recently, I got to shop with a friend for a new sex toy (yes, I got a couple for myself also). It was so FUN and I was honored she asked me to go with her. It was her first time buying a toy for herself to use on herself. She’s used toys with partners, but never by herself. Isn’t that exciting?? My one piece of advice I gave her was this: if it isn’t right for you – if you end up not liking it – don’t give up there. Toss it and get another one; don’t force it. That brings me to this: my buy-back offer. If you buy a toy and are disappointed and dislike it, and don’t have the money to buy another one or feel like you just cannot “waste” the toy, then get ahold of me. I will buy it from you so that you can then go ahead and try again. It’s so important to have a TOY that you love and that makes you feel good… almost as good as that dick you love to suck and fuck. I’m committed to your sexual satisfaction. I want you to be committed to it too.
One final tip as we part ways: If you walk into a room and bust your man or woman watching or looking at PORN – pull down your pants and straddle them! Don’t make them go to marriage counseling.