I’m kicking myself for not ending the lovership sooner. How often does it happen we get it exactly right though? So often we let it linger toooooo long, even when knowing it is best to END IT NOW. I know why I hung on for so long. Because it was easy, convenient, we were compatible, we had sexual chemistry, we got along well, we had FUN fucking in all sorts of places, AND because dating sucks-ass, so I hung on. In addition to all of that – I don’t really know if I WANT a “boyfriend” or a long-term partner; and as I’ve stated many many times, I’m certainly sick of the constant pressure to be partnered. Was it nice having the convenience of a sex partner? Absolutely. Am I curious about my future sexual relationships? Absolutely. But it doesn’t define me; it doesn’t rule my decisions and I’m certainly NOT rushing into anything…. or allowing anyone IN me 😉

I’m not gonna lie – it’s been a brutal 11 weeks. Fucking painful as fuck. Even when it makes sense, why does it have to be so goddamned painful? Contemplation, so much thinking. The other day I went to the lake at sunset. It was absolutely beautiful. My mind wandered to what I’m now discovering was an all-too-often thought: wouldn’t it be nice to share this moment with HIM. A desire so strong it felt like an ache in my soul. We didn’t share enough of those is what I keep telling myself. And then what I also get to keep reminding myself is: he never WANTED to be in those places with me. Or he would have been. And this has been the case for a long time, not just now in our breakup, but all through the lovership.

just say NO to communication!

The realizations are one after another-the personal acknowledgments that would have been best acknowledged long ago. I feel incredibly hurt. The betrayal feels unbearable at times. I want to tell him how badly he has injured me. I’ve been fantasizing about writing him a letter. I blocked his cell phone. But as time goes by all the other ways of connecting start to present as possibilities: Email. Didn’t block. USPS letter. Can’t block. Hand-delivered letter. Can’t block myself from doing THAT except by sheer will to survive this bullshit and get through the long dark tunnel. To the light. Goddess knows I cannot engage. Never ever. I’ve fantasized about him showing up at my door. What would I do? How would I react? A thousand million stories run through my mind. I’ve wanted to give in and email and say-please just come fuck me one more time. God how many of THOSE did we already have? The just-one-more-time fuck? I always looped backed in. We seemed to take turns re-reaching out. The electric current gave us little choice. It was go with the flow or fight for my life-and maybe lose. I couldn’t bear the fight until now. I bowed down to avoid the torment. Now, and for some unknown reason, I’m fighting the current and literally for MY LIFE. I’m already gaining ground. Well “already” being 11 weeks in (who’s counting?). I’ve gained peace of mind. Omg it’s glorious. And I’ve gained a calm I haven’t felt in a very long time. Things I didn’t realize I had lost-or that I had handed over to this man-I’ve gained them back, or some of it. I expect one day it will happen that I gain it all back. But here I am still writing about him. Ha!!!

I had to ask myself – WHY do I want to write a letter? To try to get him to “understand”? But he will NEVER understand. He doesn’t have the emotional maturity to understand me-or any woman for that matter. I laugh at the thought of him with someone else. Poor girl. Sure-he can put forth a decent effort. Ultimately, it’s all fucked because the building blocks his efforts are based upon are fragile. He has zero respect for himself let alone another individual. Until his self-respect is healed all relationships will falter or fail. He will choose injured women as well. Because heaven fucking forbid his morals and ideals are challenged. I failed him and myself at not holding him to a higher standard of accountability. This is what WE as women do. We allow pathetic men to get away with being pathetic. Sure, I saw something in him. I resonated with what I felt to be a connection going beyond this life. I still feel that. But the “connection” blinded me to too many things. I willfully ignored. I begged here and there that he really take a look at what was going on. Whether or not he ever did or will is none of my business. I’ve stepped out. As for writing the letter-thankfully a friend gently reminded me: “remember when so and so sent all those “heart felt” texts and letters pleading her partner to step up and he just brushed it all aside… and we stood by and watched it painfully unfold? Don’t do that.” AGREED. I won’t bother trying to heal a grown man… which is in and of itself narcissistic of me to possibly think I could. A person has to be willing to acknowledge where they’ve been wrong. The ex-lover tried telling me he was an asshole. I didn’t listen.

SHITILY isn’t really a word

So, clearly the [ex] lover has literally dropped me to my knees. That used to be the case before, but it was always to suck his dick. Now it’s because I’m unraveling at the seams around my choices. I have been drug through some serious muck. Yes, recognizing I allowed it. That’s the tough part. But my heart and soul have suffered a shattering of significant damaging proportions. It’s beginning to heal-ever so slightly. But that is simply because of my decision to acknowledge my accountability. The accountability that I’ve chosen shitily. Lol is that a word? Shitily?? Sums up how I feel. How does one trust again? Myself I mean. How do I move forward and trust? This is why for the moment I am content to stay exclusive with my blue dong. [I just Googled shitily. It cannot be used in Scrabble; therefore, it is not a word. Lol.]

I’ve wondered if I did HIM a disservice in another way as well. He was an attentive lover, to be sure, and that is a HUGE advantage. Was he the best lover? Maybe, maybe not. Did I inflate his ego? For me-admittedly yes-he was fabulous and the sex was phenomenal. I chalk that up to our chemistry, not skills. There’s good sex and then there’s sex with chemistry. If you’ve had sex with chemistry – you know what I’m talking about. We were able to ride that wave for longer than I think either of us ever expected. Towards the end it got slightly monotonous which I chalk up to the fact he was shutting down towards me emotionally. It was creating that huge black hole I spoke of in my last post. That was insurmountable.

For him – apparently I’m replaceable. For him – our chemistry is replaceable. For him – someone sucking his cock (and loving and adoring it) is replaceable. I’ve been replaced. Simple as that. Guaranteed that’s why he was so suddenly GONE with a simple text. “I’m ready for a change”. Oh, let me guess, someone else wants his cock buried in her pussy, and he wants that too. I couldn’t compete with that, nor could I tolerate it. Straight into the arms of another. Perfect distraction from addressing his own pain and lies. These are the fun thoughts rippling through my mind.

DEEP DENIAL to ACCEPTANCE, hopefully

My deepest pain always goes to the question-why did I make so many excuses? It’s a level of denial that runs deep. [And I gotta say deeeeeep again just so I can say teehee]. And why would I have put so much of myself and my trust into another human being? That’s the danger of ignoring red flags I suppose is the best way to put it. And while I completely understand the concept of giving ourselves over to another for the purposes of intimacy… I believe also this is the crux of potential disaster. It sets us up for disappointment. This is the “expectation” debate. What CAN we expect from a healthy relationship; what CAN we expect from any other human, really? Does ANY ONE person – friend, lover, partner, family member – OWE us anything? Ultimately, I believe no. Herein lies the value of being autonomous and fulfilled fully and wholly unto myself. Am I putting up walls? Or am I tearing them down ultimately knowing that if I stand naked and fulfilled-then I am at my best. This is where the “take it or leave it” concept may apply. And not in a challenging way but simply: I am me; I am whole; therefore what value can you provide or bring to my table? I don’t expect value to be provided. However-it is welcome. And I stand open and available.

I tried to loosen the anger a couple weeks ago and soften towards HIM. It made the pain too unbearable. Avoiding the pain is partly what kept me in the lovership. I tried to end it but I could never make it through the pain. It felt too unbearable. And I couldn’t get angry at him. Until now. And that anger is what was getting me through. It’s so much easier to be angry than feel the sadness. The sadness is the longing and desiring and yearning for the one who is no longer present. Anger helps create distance and space!! I’d been benefiting from the anger until it came to a sudden halt one day shy of 10 weeks no contact. Now waves of sadness are flushing through me… and I’m feeling like both a fountain and a sieve. The continuous and endless flow of tears that I kept at bay for 10 weeks have seeped out of the corners of my eyes and could fill a horse trough. The stages of grief are happening; although I’m not sure in this order as I seem to be all over the board. Denial ˃ Anger ˃ Bargaining ˃ Depression ˃ Acceptance. Acceptance?? That feels a loooooooong way off.

SHUT UP EVERYONE (jokes)

It’s difficult for me to hear my friends talking about their amazing sex right now. I tried putting “a little bit difficult” there but I have to be honest-it’s ALOT difficult. I feel bad that I’m feeling that way. Of course I’m absolutely happy for them and I celebrate my friends having multiple orgasms with their partners! I’m feeling sorry for myself. That’s the plain truth. I’ve enjoyed plenty of good sex at the hand of my lover for several years now and they’ve been listening to ME talk about that. Tables are turned. On the other side of the coin I’m in a new phase. It [almost] feels refreshing! I’m not feeling inclined to rush into anything new. I certainly cannot even fathom meeting anyone NEW during these crazy times. But I’m grateful for the opportunity to PAUSE. To step back from the NEED FOR DICK. I’ve had a lot of great sex in my life. And unfortunately, shitty sex too. I’m not eager to rush into any shitty sex. Jeez my blue dong has been feeling AMAZING. I’ve had some really spectacular orgasms this week with my blue dong. I’m taking my time and paying close attention to my body. I’ve sort of ruined, or halted is a better word, a few orgasms. I’m practicing learning to have multiple orgasms … and when I start thinking about what I need to be doing as I’m cuming then the thoughts sorta interrupt things. I do continue having the O. Learning new sexual techniques feels mechanical. But, like anything, takes PRACTICE. The practicing removes any romanticism and some of the fullness of the climax.

I’m into hard cock so it’s not like I’m talking myself out of THAT. I look forward to being so crazed over someone again that I want to suck and gag and swallow. For now-I have zero desire to do that. Interesting. As you know, since I’ve mentioned it only like a million times, I loooooved sucking my lover’s cock. But he ruined that for me. Or, he took it away from me when he said he wanted to fuck another pussy. Right now I’m scrunching up my nose. I just cannot fathom the thought. The insensitivity is astounding. It’s not only the loss of lovership and friendship I grieve and cry about but my loss of will to entertain the possibility of anything new. I’m exhausted by the losses of all my relationships. Going allllll the way back to my husband of the 90s and my early 20s. I actually thought that was it for me-that he was the ONE I would be with for all of life. Well that sure didn’t happen and it seems like it’s kinda been a relationship shit show my entire adult life honestly. Sometimes I find myself wondering if I can or will spread my legs for another man. Like-who in the actual fuck is going to talk me into getting fucked? Because I’ve been well-fucked AND I’ve been fucked over. How does one get past the trauma and actually believe a dick is worth it? I love me some cock. But holy fuck!!! Men!?! Are they worth it? You know what I’m saying? I haven’t had the pleasure of a one-time lifer of commitment. I’ve made poor choices. Are there any good choices for me?

THE GOOD TIMES WERE GOOD!

I know I know; this may be getting slightly monotonous. I’ve been railing on the ex-lover. I have already promised myself, and therefore I promise you, this will not continue! I would be remiss if I didn’t also discuss some of the qualities that drew me in and kept me cycling through with the lover. There was the one time he left a water bottle full of huckleberries on my porch when I wasn’t home. That’s just a little thing, right? But that particular night – it was everything. It is embarrassing but I HAVE to admit to you, my readers, that I held on to a romantic notion for so long I got lost in it. Were there good times? Of course. In fact, he paid me some of my highest compliments.

Then there’s the sex videos. I watched some of our xxx sex videos recently. Oooooohhhh shit. That’s pretty intense because the vids are hot hot fucking HOT. I enjoyed hearing him enjoy fucking me…. making me so creamy and wet…. that he HAD to video it. Grabbing my ass, spreading my cheeks apart for a full anal view while I’m riding him backwards…. and hearing him whisper mmmmmm baby. Then a slap on the thigh and on my pussy with my own belt. I bought myself this belt when was going crazy spending $$$$$ for my 50th but I knew this belt, when worn with fishnets and heels, would get me some excellent results. I bought it North of my hometown-at someone else’s 60th birthday party and the birthday boy was the artist AND he’s pretty damn famous for his horse saddles so, ya, this belt had some good juju and now it has even more good juju!!! I suspect more juju will come to the belt in the future! So, ya, this part of reliving the memories is not fun, even though I enjoyed them for a moment.

There was also a video of me sucking his cock. With a mirror in the background. We were in my living room. I have a gigantic mirror-perfect place to video some hot sex. Instead of enjoying the video I started critiquing how I looked. Difficult to continue to feel confident and sexy. Have you ever videoed your sexcapades? Jeez BODY IMAGE. What a tough one and it’s so interesting because right now I feel great about my body for the most part. I do wish I would exercise more – working on it. When I was younger I didn’t love my body but had the hottest body!! Holy crap. I’m tempted to show you some naked photos my ex-husband took of me in 1990. It kinda sucks to have the confidence now but not have THAT body. Why aren’t we able to embrace ourselves when we are younger? It’s a real catch-22. [Quickly – speaking of my ex-husband – ironically we were married a VERY long time ago on July 1^st! Tomorrow].

Our good times totally revolved around sex, as if that isn’t clear already. I talked to my lover quite a lot about prostate orgasms. I wanted him to experience those. I suppose I felt passionate about it the same way I feel passionate about squirting. I desire all of us to be experiencing our sexual potential to its fullest. He mostly just laughed about it. The same reaction I get often when I bring up squirting with women. It’s a discomfort for some reason.

I wasn’t just wanting him to experience prostate orgasms for his pleasure. I mean, there’s always great pleasure knowing our partners are getting off BIG TIME. But I also felt it would be great for OUR sex. Part of that is keeping the excitement alive which is also why I was always buying new toys. I wasn’t bored with our sex at all – but the toys would provide an added element of excitement. Some things worked, others didn’t. I spent over $100 on a particular toy that I think we tried one time. I wasn’t into it-I felt it interfered with me feeling HIM fully and that was the ultimate point of the lovership. To connect with HIM. To feel HIM. To have HIM inside me. We knew how to give each other pleasure.

MY USUAL – LADIES FIRST

He would take charge in bed. Which I love. I definitely like to have my fair share of light aggression (from a known lover I trust) – my legs shoved apart or to be suddenly flipped over and taken from behind, my nipples pinched, my tits slapped, hair pulled, neck bites, spanked of course. He really knew how to rock my world. I sort of brought the creativity (toys, squirting). And certainly the guidance of what was good for me. He always always made sure I was pleasured first. An absolute plus… his desire for that. I do not want to insult my male readers but guys if HER orgasm isn’t the first priority then there’s a problem. And I will tell you I know countless women who don’t like the pressure of “having to cum”. That’s an excuse because we ALL need and want to cum. The real reason this is happening and I can completely say this confidently because I’ve been there-is the man doesn’t have a clue how to get a woman off, no clue what even feels good, and she feels too embarrassed to bring it up, talk about it, educate because she (me) doesn’t want to hurt the male ego. And it’s outrageous!!! All of it. That you guys don’t know the basics of women’s pleasure AND that us women don’t take the step to educate. I know it’s not ALL men. Because I’ve had good lovers. And it’s not all women. And it’s not me anymore. These days I definitely get what I want one way or another. But I’d like that to be the norm. There is absolutely no reason only the man should be getting off in this day and age. Unless there’s sexual dysfunction (and there’s a lot of that). I don’t mean performance dysfunction. I mean emotional dysfunction…. and communication dysfunction. Plus, there are SO MANY WAYS women can have orgasms. Goodness – again there is zero reason women should not be coming.

the WIND DOWN

All of this being said about the ex-lover I am feeling the healthy boundaries I’m working so hard to maintain pay off in my overall well being and that feels great. I had an incredible moment of clarity as I was soaking in my hot HOT bubble bath. There won’t be any more hurt from this point forward. It’s over. There won’t be any new painful discoveries that I will need to try and ignore, stuffing and shoving that pain down like a metal can crusher creating a stack of crushed emotion that just got taller and tighter with every passing month. [tighter is good if it involves kegels or a dick].

INSTEAD all I have to do now is HEAL from the past, let it go, and move forward. And that’s already begun. I’m not a grudge holder. I fold quite quickly on letting go of the wrongs. I don’t know for you but since Summer Solstice last weekend – it’s been a powerful, engaging, productive week for me! I have so many areas to focus on. I have a busy, fulfilled life. This is where I’m headed: to a future healed from the past pain to BEING here and now. Present moment. Enjoying all of life, accomplishing goals and tasks like a badass boss babe, writing, AND free from any sort of emotional adult drama. Healthy relationships only, please!!

One final bitchface moment. I cannot deny that Halsey has pretty much nailed how I felt for 10 weeks. Other than the baby part. That was never a consideration. lol

“I wanna start this out and say
I gotta get it off my chest
Got no anger, got no malice
Just a little bit of regret
Know nobody else will tell you
So there’s some things I gotta say
Gonna jot it down and then get it out
And then I’ll be on my way

No, you’re not half the man you think that you are
And you can’t fill the hole inside of you with money, drugs and cars
I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you
‘Cause you can’t love nothin’ unless there’s somethin’ in it for you

Oh, I feel so sorry
I feel so sad
I tried to help you
It just made you mad
And I had no warnin’
About who you are
I’m just glad I made it out without breakin’ down
And then ran so fuckin’ far
That you would never ever touch me again
Won’t see your alligator tears
‘Cause, no, I’ve had enough of them

Let me start this off by sayin’
I really meant well from the start
Take a broken man right in my hands
And then put back all his parts

But you’re not half the man you think that you are
And you can’t fill the hole inside of you with money, girls and cars
I’m so glad I never ever had a baby with you
‘Cause you can’t love nothin’ unless there’s somethin’ in it for you

……..” Halsey. Take a listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nBFqZppIF0

Meanwhile – I looooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVeeeeeeeee YOU!

Cause you are badass! I love you even more when you are orgasming! The world is better with orgasms.

xoxo

p.s. I think I’m gonna write about black cock and balls next time!