Dating!!!! Internet dating!!! I feel like I need a doctorate in behavioral science to navigate the personalities and situations that come my way. Internet dating involves a serious handle on how to decipher the difference between chemistry, love, love at first site, lust, attraction, desire, maybe compatibility, maybe mutual admiration of each other, quite possibly disgust. There’s so much BS, it’s quite tough getting to the bottom of what the truth really is (oh, but, silly me, I should never mind the truth). And one of the biggest reasons for that is because we are in denial about just how DEEEEEPLY CONNECTED we truly do or don’t want to be with another person.
CHEMISTRY, or love, or?
What’s quite interesting to me is the CHEMISTRY part. It’s involved. Of course, it’s best to meet right away in person. Hello Catfish, right?? But what’s even simpler than the elaborate catfishing that some choose to engage in, it is just absolutely waaaay different to see someone in person, feel their energy in person, and smell them. So, crazy catfishing aside, this is seemingly the second most common place where confusion enters. Take a look at this movie, if you haven’t seen it yet: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1584016/
WHAT does “having CHEMISTRY” really mean? I can see and understand where the confusion comes from; I’ve experienced it, certainly. I’ve learned some lessons from it, thankfully! It looks to me like we have an inherent desire to believe that if we have chemistry then it must be love. And the reason for that is quite simple: we all LOVE to fuck and it’s the chemistry that makes us want to fuck but then the mind is confused because we’ve now allowed ourselves to develop the idea that chemistry = possible life mate. WRONG. Chemistry is the base, animal lust that keeps the world populated. That’s it.
Is chemistry important? Absolutely. But, CHEMISTRY is NOT an automatic match. It feels super good and is definitely enticing. But chemistry is not what will keep a conversation going, or an agreement of respect intact; it may not keep my sanity intact. Worse, it’s now being confused as “love at first sight”. LOL and a guy who thinks he’s in love at first sight is, well, kinda icky and it’s definitely weird.
I’ve experienced chemistry with these different outcomes:
- Amazing chemistry, amazing sex, lots of years of togetherness.
- Amazing chemistry, terrible sex. Done.
- Amazing chemistry, crazy person, no sex. Done.
- Enough chemistry to fuck. Once. Done.
- Amazing chemistry, crazy person, sex. Mistake. Done.
- No chemistry. Done.
It’s confusing for men when there’s clearly chemistry, but I won’t fuck them. I like to take a look at the entire package (and right now I’m not talking about what’s in their pants). What they seemingly fail to understand is that what their LIFE is like – can be a super huge turnoff. That could be baby mama drama (#1 ewww); or no job; or inflated ego; or clingy; or…. wait, did I say, clingy? Yes, I did. Men can be clingy. It goes along with the “love at first sight” scenario. These are some of the things I’m talking about, from recent firsthand experience:
can you take time off of work to meet me? No. I’m working.
can I see you tonight? No.
want to have a drink tomorrow night? No. I just saw you last night.
will you move to whitefish? No. you wouldn’t move for your man? No. those chauvinistic days are over for men; been there, done that; I’m not in my early 20s, I have a life; wouldn’t you move for your woman? (met with silence).
can I come to your house right now? No, we haven’t even met.
want me to send a picture of my dick? No. then asking again if you can send a dick pic. Sure, go ahead, whatever makes you happy. (what I’m really thinking is no, I don’t want to see your cock on the screen of my phone).
constantly asking for pictures, even when I’ve said I won’t send any.
if you are using the “conversation starters” on Match – you are lame and it’s obvious because you aren’t the only one.
AND, stop saying it’s 9 inches when it’s not! (quote from a friend, lol)
I’M NOT SAYING ANYTHING OTHERS HAVEN’T ALREADY SAID.
I came across a fabulous article written by Mark Manson. I enjoy his writing and encourage you to check him out. I’m going to quote from his article, “1,500 People Give all the Relationship Advice You’ll Ever Need.” I will be referring to it here and probably in my next post as well. Here’s what Mark did:
“I sent out the call the week before my wedding: anyone who has been married for 10+ years and is still happy in their relationship, what lessons would you pass down to others if you could? What is working for you and your partner? And if you are divorced, what didn’t work previously?
The response was overwhelming. Almost 1,500 people replied, many of whom sent in responses measured in pages, not paragraphs. It took almost two weeks to comb through them all, but I did. And what I found stunned me…
They were incredibly repetitive.”
I’m going to jump to #2. Have Realistic Expectations About Relationships and Romance.
“Love is a funny thing. In ancient times, people genuinely considered love a sickness. Parents warned their children against it, and adults quickly arranged marriages before their children were old enough to do something dumb in the name of their emotions.
That’s because love, while making us feel all giddy and high as if we had just snorted a shoebox full of cocaine, makes us highly irrational.
That’s unbridled love. It’s nature’s way of tricking us into doing insane and irrational things to procreate with another person — probably because if we stopped to think about the repercussions of having kids, and being with the same person forever and ever, no one would ever do it. As Robin Williams used to joke, “God gave man a brain and a penis and only enough blood to operate one at a time.”
Romantic love is a trap designed to get two people to overlook each other’s faults long enough to get some babymaking done.”
What I refer to as CHEMISTRY, Mark is referring to as LOVE. I think it’s easy to get them mixed up, especially in the beginning. Don’t get me wrong – I’m not completely cynical – I do believe love at first sight CAN be a thing; but I believe it starts out as LUST at first sight and then the LOVE develops over time, and then the rest of Mark’s article comes in handy! (I highly recommend you read the article.) I’m referencing this article because it validates what I’ve been saying here – chemistry makes us see things through rose-colored lenses.
Here’s the link to Mark’s article: https://markmanson.net/relationship-advice
TINDER IS __________.
(you fill in the blank – exciting, fun, whacko, bullshit).
So, I fucked someone who I met on Tinder. I liked him. It was good sex. Satisfying. But, I will not see him again. Why? Because there’s no chemistry. You know how I know? Because when he started touching my pussy in the morning, I slapped his hand away. THAT told me everything I needed to know, because I LOVE me some morning sex (of course he’d just jack-hammered me at 4am so there was that). I wanted him out of my bed; the sooner the better. I stripped the sheets immediately. It shocked me, actually, because I like to think of myself as quite a sexual woman. So, I started thinking: what is going on here? I had fun, we had good sex, he was a cool person. It was the CHEMISTRY. It just wasn’t there for me. It was at first, but it evaporated very quickly with a couple of orgasms.
He asked me why I wouldn’t see him anymore. He asked me to be honest. I told him it was the chemistry. He asked further, “Would you be willing to tell me what it was. Like lip service style?” So, here goes, and I’ve written about this before:
stop the jack hammering.
I did a survey recently and texted a number of women I know. Here’s what my text said: “I’m doing a quick survey. We all like a good “pounding” during sex (if you don’t, you will tell me I’m sure). But we all dislike jack-hammering. What’s the length of time between enjoying the pounding and then where it switches to annoying jack-hammering. I think for me, maybe 3 minutes.”
Ok, guys, this is priceless. Here are some of the responses, direct quotes:
Pounding: still connected, deeeeep feelings… like “woman I gotta have you”. Jack hammering: loss of connection, loss of feeling, there isn’t feeling anymore so he keeps hammering trying to cum but has lost the girl, she’s just waiting for it to be over.
Sounds like the guy has intimacy issues and he can only get off that way because he has seen it so many times in porn! I bet he is afraid to slow down and truly connect and listen to his partner’s body language.
Probs less than that at first 1 ½ – 2 min?? But then I like more later as things intensify; also depends on my cycle b/c sometimes it hurts.
Top lovers in my mind never did that for long; bad lovers hump like dogs.
I don’t think I really like pounding/jack hammering. Maybe for a minute….but not really into it. I think some guys are just used to the furious hand pump. They don’t know how to act when they get the real thing.
I think 3 min or less but depends on the position and my mood. Sometimes I want to get the inside points of climax to get hit and sometimes I want a topical. But jack hammering is a no go……. Honestly, I haven’t had a penis inside me for so long I’d really take a pounding right about now.
It’s been awhile since I’ve been pounded. I’m going with 1 to 1 ½ minutes. That’s potentially 60 to 90 in and outs lol.
I can’t go straight into a pounding and don’t want a whole lot of it. Maybe 1-2 min?
Depends on the position. 5min if it’s from behind & his balls are whacking my clit, probably about 3min if he’s on top just hammering away.
Jack hammering 1 min tops haha!
It always seems to vary for me; but three minutes is plenty.
I think 3 minutes is really generous; I like it if it’s getting me off but if I’m done and he’s just trying to finish, then it gets old really fucking fast.
Get the picture? There are some themes here: 1. intimacy is lacking in jack-hammering; 2. women barely tolerate it and really don’t think highly of it.
PORN is a problem guys. If you’ve been single or sexually abandoned in a relationship where your sexual needs weren’t being met and you have been relying on porn and masturbating to get off (no judgments there) then you’ve developed some habits that directly affect your ability in the sack with a real, live woman. I’ve heard of it time and again; and I’ve experienced it first-hand. You’ve got to take responsibility for your own orgasm and that doesn’t mean us women want to just lay there and take a beating from your dick so you can get off… because you’ve developed a bad habit. I hesitate to use the words “bad habit”. Because it’s your habit, I get it. However, don’t take it out on me! I’m not going to be that patient with you. And I think you get the picture from all those quotes I just shared with you above, if you are jack-hammering women – they aren’t liking it much; most of us aren’t liking it beyond a minute to a minute and a half.
LONG-TERM = INTIMACY (obvious).
This is really an issue of dating. If we have a partner or a long-time lover, they know us, we know them. We know that if they are “pounding” us it’s because we both want it AND I know it’s only going to last just the right amount of time. But when I’m with someone new…. and I’m sensing difficulty with orgasm and the jack-hammering goes on too long, then well, I’m probs gonna push you off me. I’ve earned that and learned that. I empower all women – push a man OFF of you if you aren’t liking his pounding. Let him take care of himself.
SUMMER TIME, & THE LIVIN’S EASY!
So, my SUMMER was amazing and intense all at once. Living in MT has been, to say the least this year, an incredible challenge considering we had a million acres burn and the SMOKE put a real damper on my outdoor play time, but it did NOT stop me. Hence, few posts; been busy! What has been super fun and intriguing is how many offers for 3-somes I’ve gotten in the last few weeks. I’m both honored and secretly, or not so secretly now, suuuper turned on by this! Thank you! The offers have come from Lily’s Lip Service, from some dudes who shared an Uber ride with me, from Tinder match-ups with guys who have wives, from Tinder match-ups in general guys are asking about 3-somes quite frequently, from just being at a resort, soaking in a hotspring. Whether I have proceeded or not, well, that’s for another post!!
Until next time,