For me, aspects of porn are reminiscent of traveling circuses of the past, when they had the “freak shows”, also known as “sideshows.” If you think I’m being negative about porn, I’m not. I personally have a certain kind of fascination for the freak shows of bygone days, as well as porn today.
A woman after my own heart: a sword swallower. I love to swallow. What a woman! Super sexy too.
In porn, as in the bygone circus freak shows, there is a high level of exaggeration, with an emphasis on shock. Someone takes an act and then seems to expand it to high levels of extreme. Take for instance, pussy pumping.
All right, first let me get my “disclaimers” out of the way here and now. No, I’m not a fan of the exploitation that was clearly the issue with the sideshow/freak show. Nor am I fan of the exploitation of animals in circuses, even today. Ok? Ok. For all intents and purposes, P.T. Barnum was a douche. He had no qualms about exploiting that which was “different” for his own personal gain. “….. Barnum took his first real dip into showmanship at age 25 when he purchased the right to “rent” an aged black woman by the name of Joice Heth, whom an acquaintance was trumpeting around Philadelphia as the 161-year-old former nurse of George Washington. With Heth, he saw an opportunity to strike it rich. Though slavery was outlawed in Pennsylvania and New York at the time, a loophole allowed him to lease her for a year for $1,000, borrowing $500 to complete the sale.” Basically, Barnum would travel the world looking for victims for his sideshow circus acts. He engaged in trafficking!
Let’s also take note. People showed up and PAID to see and watch the “living curiosities,” what today we would dub as outright racism. Poignantly stated by the late historian Daniel Boorstin, “Barnum’s great discovery was not how easy it was to deceive the public, but rather, how much the public enjoyed being deceived.”
DON’T PUSH THAT THOUGHT AWAY!
Our fascinations can get us into trouble if we have unrealistic moral expectations of ourselves (enter religion). Herein lies a point I want to make. As humans, particularly humans living in the United States of America, with TIME on our hands to get ourselves all messed up with first world problems, we all too often allow ourselves to live with a false sense of morality that is too easily turned into an obsession which can then turn into misdirected, blind hatred. For instance, a person who believes being gay is wrong, yet is attracted to someone of the same sex. How many times has it been obvious that an act of violence toward another human being is the result of someone’s own struggles with their personal identity? SUPPRESSED SEXUALITY IS DANGEROUS, not the other way around. Sexuality is healthy. If we needlessly punish ourselves for having even a sexual fantasy or a dream – suppression happens. When suppression happens, well, I picture a geyser. An eruption waiting to happen. Our thoughts are our own. Yes, we are responsible for our actions. Engaging in healthy sexual encounters between consenting adults is one of the best ways for us to be balanced and happy! I’m not going to go into all the benefits of sex. That’s easy information to come by. Exploration is key. Fantasies are harmless. Sex dreams are the best. If I had a cock between my legs, I would wake up with a raging hard on several times a week from my dreams alone. My first recollection of my first sexual dream was when I was about 16, I believe. I woke up in a startle, just before I was about to orgasm! No need to punish ourselves over sexual desires.
I personally wish I had explored my sexuality more in-depth when I was in my 20s. I had some exposure, but some how still missed the pleasure boat. What I mean is – I had some teaching that had I taken it further – would have brought me greater sexual pleasure at an even younger age. For instance, squirting. I’ve discussed squirting over and over in my blog. I first learned about squirting in the 90s, in my 20s, living in San Francisco. During my SF days I was taking some kinda crazy classes. For one, I took some beginning midwifery courses and we practiced vaginal exams on each other, no joke. I took another course at a holistic health school and there I was introduced to squirting! I could have been squirting since I was 25 if I had paid close enough attention. The class I took was quite intimate and we all got on a bed to watch as the woman was fingered to ejaculation by her male partner. What that ended up telling me was that it took a MAN to help me do it. If you’ve been reading and paying attention then you know that is absolutely NOT TRUE. I’m not saying that’s what this woman taught, but I didn’t walk away thinking it was something I needed to have happen in my life or that it was something I could do on my own. I felt as though I needed a partner to make me squirt. WRONG. I often wonder – was that just a way for them to SHOW OFF and get off?
Anywho, I watched this woman get fingered to ejaculation like we were in science class. Real interesting to say the least. Wasn’t inspiring apparently since it took me 25 more years to fully explore, learn the art, and recognize its fulfilling benefits.
CIRCUS CIRCUS
Back to my personal fascination with circuses from long ago. The reason why is fascination can go in different directions. It can be genuine curiosity, or it can be genuine curiosity with a mix of eroticism. It’s the eroticism part I’m fascinated by. How many times have we joked about a man with a “third leg?”
I was reminded recently of my circus fascination because I asked my lover one night, in texting while he was out of town, what porn I should watch. I ask him that question here and there. He doesn’t always come up with a response. This particular night he responded with “pussy pumping.” I asked, “what is pussy pumping”. “Google it” he said, which of course I was already doing. I was instantly mesmerized. Not necessarily aroused, but definitely mesmerized. And it came to me then how porn often portrays the EXTREME. Am I not right about this? When I watch it-it oftentimes reminds me of the circus freak acts of the past. Case in point – pussy pumping.
PUSSY PUMP 101
Hopefully if you don’t know what it is-then, you too, have already Googled it (that’s what the incognito tab is for). I will explain here that it is done by putting a pump-what looks like the plastic piece they put over a mouth to provide oxygen during a medical procedure-over your vagina-and it has a bulbous (I said bulbous) pump that you manually squeeze which, in turn, pulls the blood to the surface of your female parts, which may or may not have already been plumped up from arousal.
The result? Whatever you want – from some slightly plump pussy lips, or to the sideshow circus act of labia minora and majora. Er, I mean, an erotic version of your puss?!?! The outer puss anyway. The insides of the vagina stay the same. It feels like I’m turning a part of myself into a freak show. As I further embarked on this porn journey, I came across anal prolapse porn. I tell ya. I come across some crazy shit when I’m “researching.” Talk about WOW. I’m treading lightly here. To each their own. But when I look at some of this I am definitely thinking – what the hell?? I’d be concerned the insides of my bum may never go back inside! It’s an extreme exaggeration of our sex parts! That’s the circus act part.
INTRIGUE or AROUSAL?
Admission (admission #5003 since everything I’ve written for this blog is an admission): I got online and purchased a pussy pump. I believe if my lover has brought it up, then he’s intrigued. It’s quite obvious he wouldn’t bring up anything he was disgusted by-unless he told me that ahead of time-especially not in response to me asking him for a porn recommendation. Mind you-there’s a distinction between intrigued by and aroused by. Ok? Intrigued is I want to see this because it’s a bit outrageous and maybe I will be aroused by it in person. Aroused is he would’ve already masturbated to a video of it, perhaps a number of times, before desiring to share his secret fantasy of wanting to proceed with it in reality. Even then, arousal in person is no guarantee.
I never ask for the answer to the question: intrigue or arousal or fantasy? Who cares? It will take a little bit of guts and self-confidence on your part because the question isn’t answered until you go through with it and maybe your lover won’t really enjoy it in person. Then you’ve gone to all this trouble Googling, researching, and purchasing a new toy for naught. Not to mention-there you are with your legs spread and your “unattractive” pussy spread wide for your man-and his dick is limp. Feels like a failure. It’s not. Not at all.
First you have to get thru your insecurity in that moment, right? Don’t fucking TALK about it. Jeez, keep your mouth shut and entirely change the course of your fucking, love-making, whatever you call it. Nothing ruins ANY moment during sex than talking about something that isn’t erotic. Turn yourself around and start sucking his cock until he’s hard. Before you know it-he will be burying that hard cock deep inside of you.
That’s not what happened with me and my lover. My engorged pussy didn’t give him a limp dick. Don’t get me wrong – it looked weeeeiiiiiirrrrd and quite crazy (“it” being my pussy lips”. AND I felt self-conscious about it. But it turned us both on and we had a fabulous fuck. Success with the pussy pump! But you know what? We may not use it again. We found it stimulating that one time, I’m not sure he feels crazy about it. Not like he felt about the butt plug fox tail. The total fascination with THAT lasted for a while… his dick would get so hard when we used it. It was so so so fucking HOT. God, it turned me on too AND it turned me on more because he was so turned on. But the pussy pump creates the extremeness that feels freakish. Hence, the comparison with the circus freak show. Btw I also purchased some nipple suckers 😉
Even if we don’t use the PP again, money well spent! I don’t recall the cost at the moment. Not that much. It sure added some fun and excitement. Not just when we actually got together in person with the PP but leading up to it-the sexting!! I also now get to write about it, right?? I share these experiences to empower you to TRY NEW THINGS, if you aren’t doing that already. In a sexual slump? What intrigues you – and don’t be embarrassed. No one has to know. Again, that’s what the incognito tab is for.
TOY FAIL
I’ve bought a few things that have failed. One was quite expensive! I didn’t toss it as maybe it will come in handy in the future. Oh, herein lies a dilemma – if I buy a toy or clothing item to use with a particular lover in mind – will I be able to use it with another lover in the future? I’m not absolutely sure…but I feel probably not. Also probably not if I’ve used a particular toy with my current lover-it won’t transfer either. Doesn’t that seem to make obvious sense? I mean, that would just be rude.
Along a similar line, some people like to burn and get rid of Every.Single.Item or thing that reminds them of an ex. I’m not that way. And I thank GOD I didn’t listen to a friend who counseled me years ago to box it all up and throw it in the garbage. Part of me wanted to and that part was saying: I SHOULD. The other part that won counseled against it, and I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. And didn’t. Despite the friend’s disapproval. I’ve come into my own and fortunately recognize I’m able to make choices OUTSIDE the “expectations” of society and friends. So I didn’t burn much (I did do a letting-go fire ceremony and burned a few insignificant things). I would’ve thrown away some super sentimentally valuable things. Homemade things, not store-bought material, expensive things. When an artist transfers their gift, I feel that gift may stay.
That’s me. I admit, it’s not everyone or every time. Mmmmkkay??
Back to EMPOWERING you, now two things: exploring fantasy with toys and NOT burning all the shizzle of an ex you don’t want to be reminded of (exceptions exist). Not immediately anyway. I have more to say about it. There’s a common thought about death: no major decisions for a year. The death of a relationship is similar. Sure, box that shit up. But put it away somewhere you don’t see it, set a reminder in your calendar for a year and see how you feel!! A suggestion.
That’s what I do here…. I suggest. You may have an ah-ha moment because of it, which would DELIGHT me. I’m sharing my personal experiences and thoughts and fantasies and dreams and make-believe to SUGGEST to you to explore however DEEPLY (teehee) you desire – your sexual desires. It comes naturally to me to share. Sometimes in person I over-share. Haha thankfully I have amazing and confident friends who don’t have issues bringing their husbands around me (or even allow me to have lunches or drinks with them when they aren’t present). They know darn well sex will come up in the convo. Even just last night my friend and her husband stopped by and she commented that she knew sex would come up-BEFORE I even said something. Haha which it did. I talked about the time I fucked a guy while high on acid for the first time. Lmao I kept having to push him OFF me because I felt crushed and claustrophobic. Not what he had planned or expected. Me neither. Disclaimer: I didn’t know it was acid and stupidly didn’t ask.
I’m lucky that way. I have great friends who can handle my version of outbursts. Often TMI when it comes to my sexploits. Otherwise, I try to save it all for the blog.
Learning Curve.
I’ve been a receptacle. You know, for that 2-pump chump who leads you on and takes you home knowing that’s all he’s gonna use you for, a receptacle. Ugh, those guys are the worst because it feels really shitty afterward for a number of reasons. For one, it’s common knowledge that he doesn’t really find you that attractive, but attractive enough for a pump chump experience, to just get his hard dick in a pussy. It also feels super shitty because there’s then the issue of being super horny and he’s passed out already next to you, even snoring, and you’re left with a pulsating pussy that wants to cum with a dick buried inside.
At the moment I only recall one of these particular instances personally happening to me. The details are fuzzy except I remember he was young, soooooo HOT, tall, a twin, sad about something I don’t recall what, wanting him super bad, getting wasted with him, someone else being there-an older friend of his visiting from Alaska who was interested in me, we flirted, I had a feeling his girlfriend was out of town or maybe they were on a mini breakup, he took me home, he had a roommate, and a shitty car, he had a nice hard cock, he fucked me fast, we fell asleep, he gave me a ride back downtown in the morning, I don’t think he remembered my name, I didn’t remember his either, we did NOT exchange phone numbers, I gave my number to his twin bro a couple weeks later, I never heard from him, I saw his twin a few times, I never saw him again. I was his receptacle for that night.
Just as much my fault. Or was it? Do I assume this is going to happen to me? Absolutely not. As I said-I can only recall it happening this one time. I do believe there must be other times it has happened. Maybe this one just affected me more deeply (teehee) than any others, maybe it’s because it is the most recent, and the last time it happened. Not recently. I would put that at about 10 years ago, maybe a little less, after I’d ended a 10-year relationship. Just kinda new out there in the fucking world, testing the waters. Didn’t deter me from keeping going. Thank goodness. A test to my personal identity and self-confidence, that’s for sure! Currently having some of the best sex of my life because I didn’t let it deter me though! My nature is quite sexual which in turn becomes motivation.
Today’s inspirational writing was brought to you from the pool of my most local hotspring, and from spending time in Montana’s great OUTDOORS!! I looked like a freak myself – sitting in a pool, furiously typing on a phone, for an hour and a half. These are the lengths I go to to bring you my best work. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that I must write when the inspiration hits, despite looking like a fool.
“When you cross a bridge, you take a break from this world!”
―
Recent priceless friend quotes regarding partners:
“You don’t inspire me. You actually make me want to eat fries and drink a coca cola.”
“You can suck on my toes and then I might want it [sex].”
I looooooooooooooooooove ya! Oh, and HAPPY EASTER! (think bunnies)
xxxxxxxxxx
oooooooo
xxx
o