It’s difficult to type with so many tears streaming down my face, clouding my vision. Dammit. But, it’s the direction I’m gonna go with, it’s the sentiment I will run with. When fully living life, the emotions will flow. You know, when it’s good, it’s GOOD; but when it’s bad, it fucking SUCKS ASS.

RED FLAGS.

I’ve been privy to many conversations around the thought that when a woman has sex w/a man, she becomes emotionally attached. YAWN. Ya ya, that can happen, I agree. Especially in our younger years. It also doesn’t always happen, I’ve personally experienced. Certainly, when I’m digging on some dude, and then we have sex, I can all of a sudden feel inclined to overlook way too much shit. For instance, maybe even that the sex wasn’t that great. I recommend we DO NOT rationalize mediocre (definitely not BAD) sex early in a relationship. If sex is important to you, that is. I’m gonna go ahead and give you permission to give it 3 shots. If you haven’t fucking CUM after the 3rd time of having sex, that is a HUGE red flag, wouldn’t you agree? My experience has been that the “nature” of the sex at the beginning of the relationship is definitely what sets the tone. One of my longest relationships continually left ME wanting a lot more sex than my partner. YIKES. That started right away. And WHO doesn’t want to have a lot of sex in the beginning? So, you can only imagine after several years together, it was almost like pulling teeth!?! (at least the sex was good when it did happen). I think about this sex imbalance from both perspectives because it’s truly difficult for both people. Who wants to always feel like they aren’t getting enough sex; and who wants to feel like they are being constantly hounded for sex? I’m usually on the end of wanting more sex; I’m “afraid” of being with someone who may want MORE sex than me. Lol. That just feels like a lot of pressure which is why I’m ultimately sensitive to a partner in the reverse. Also, and this is probably for another time, but I certainly don’t believe it’s anyone’s JOB to make sure their partner is sexually satiated. Right? We can go ahead and rest assured I’m speaking from a place of accountability and taking responsibility. If 2 people are far apart on the spectrum – one is ok with sex once a month; the other wants sex twice a day – well, that’s gonna take some serious negotiation. And that’s ok, but if you are the one NOT wanting much sex – don’t let that shit slide by. And if you’re the one wanting the sex – don’t let that shit slide by without a conversation, only to justify cheating. HAVE THE CONVERSATIONS.

I’ve been sooooooo guilty of ignoring those damn red flags at the beginning of relationships. They are truly annoying and red is definitely NOT my color so I can just quite easily look right past it. But, have you ever looked back at like a journal from the beginning of a relationship, as you’re ending one? Oh, ouch, great time to PAINFULLY reflect on what and where that ignoring got me. Then the question pops into my mind – so, here I am. Why not try to get it right the next time?!?! Huh???

Love.Sex.Pain.

I’ve been having lots of sex with a guy, that I love. LOTS of GREAT sex. For years. Did I mention it’s been great, as in the BEST sex of my life? But, somewhere along the line we lost our way and now it seems our paths are headed in opposite directions. How to reconcile the PAIN that ensues when one must say goodbye to a love…. and to such goooood sex? Not an easy answer. It is much easier to rationalize the existence of it, to continue it, to crave it, to yearn for it… it’s been my crack cocaine and I’ve been fully addicted. In order to ease the pain of letting go – I’ve been misbehaving a little bit this week!!!

LUSCIOUS LIPS.

First, a little mini fling. ….more about that later. Second, a surprise masturbation session while I was at the river!! I even found a ROCK that was super helpful. This is super naughty. Don’t you think? I didn’t just do it once, either! But, twice!!! I fully encourage and challenge you to embrace what makes you feel good (not at the expense of others). I was entirely alone, in a secluded place. Nature always brings out my sensuality. I decided to utilize the elements to my advantage. Free of inhibitions, and basically, no, I don’t want to get “caught” but certainly there’s something to be said for the excitement generated by the possibility of being discovered – there’s urgency involved. Make the orgasm HAPPEN. Now. So, I did that. Then I also hugged a tree. Tree-hugging is a great way to remind me – yep, there’s more to life than the daily grind.

Then there’s the fling. I’m exaggerating. It really was just a makeout sesh. I didn’t even remember his name the next day. My friend had to remind me. Haha. You know, one of those nights, my bad. I remember most of the night, I promise. Upon first glance and eye contact, our lips just HAD TO meet up. A pair of delicious lips on a good looking man are difficult for my lips to pass up!! Conversation led to some light touches, and smoking outside led to some kissing action. OOOOOhhhhh it’s so luscious – those first kisses after a couple hours of sexual tension.

THE SLIPPERY SLOPE.

Most of us know the pain of someone we are deeply in love and lust with slipping away through our fingertips. The love isn’t enough to keep you together. So many distractions from what is truly real keep us from being real. All we have to do is turn on the TV or pick up some easy fuck on Tinder. Instant access, instant gratification, instant resources for excuses. Never mind the value and under-currents of true love, devotion, and adoration.

Our last three times together were some of our absolute best and I did have the BEST sex of my life one of those. This is where I was at with him – he was slipping away; we both knew it, we’d discussed it. Took us 3 times to finalize our final time together. You know the routine – break up/make up sex. Yowza!!! That’s some good stuff.

I’d like to share a mini story I jotted down. You don’t know this – before I started this blog – I started writing a book of erotica. It contains poems, short stories, long stories, and maybe even just some one-liners; a current work in progress. Here is a preview of one of the potential stories:

“The other day there was a knock at my door. I’d been laying around all morning, playing with myself and sexting w/him.

Who’s there?

HIS voice answered,​ so I opened the door. We aren’t supposed to even be communicating but there he was standing in my doorway, unannounced.

I pulled him in, fell to my knees, swiftly unbuckled his belt, unbuttoned his pants, pulled them down to his ankles, and started sucking him. At the same time, I pulled him ​down ​to ​join me on ​the floor.

​Once I had him on his back, ​all while sucking him, ​I turned around and faced my ass to his face so he could watch me as I slid his so-very-hard cock as deep as possible into my pussy. I know he could see the juices splooge out of my puss as they made way for his cock. I could feel them dripping down my thighs as I ​slowly and ​steadily moved up and down, hovering just above him. We both just about exploded right then but chose to continue to savor the moment, knowing from our history we would be able to reach levels of bliss well beyond that initial, erotic excitement. We carried on.

​Then he left as quickly and silently as he’d arrived. I momentarily felt suspended between a time of nothingness where I wondered if I were even awake…. as I drifted off to sleep.

It was our last time together.

‘You will slowly slip away entirely. First it’s your body – our physical separation. Then pretty soon – no smells of you to be found anywhere. No creamy messes, they’ve all been washed away. Your things, that are my favorite things, start to get shoved to the back of the drawer and I forget to wear them and feel your touch thru them. Your face will begin to look fuzzy in my mind…… and one day, you won’t BE on my mind.'”

SEE YOU NEXT LIFETIME.

Thank you, Erykah Badu, for capturing this feeling.

“First time that I saw you boy
It was a warm and sunny day
All I know is I wanted you
I really hoped you looked my way
When you smiled at me
So warm and sweet
I could not stay
You make me feel like a itty-bitty girl
What do you do to me

Now what am I supposed to do
When I want you in my world
How can I want you for myself
When I’m already someone’s girl?

I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
No hard feelings
I guess I’ll see you next lifetime
I’m gonna be there”.

To listen, go here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H30lTFmW8a4

RELEASE & LET GO.

Finally, I would like to end with an excerpt from one of my favorite, soulful authors, Jeff Brown: “If one person doesn’t want the relationship, then it’s simply not a fit. No sense trying to figure out why we think they don’t want it. No sense blaming it on their commitment issues. No sense waiting around for them to realize they wanted it after all. And if they don’t want it, then we don’t want it, because we don’t want to be with someone who is not there for it fully. That’s the thing about a love relationship- it’s an agreement that has to be signed by both souls. If one doesn’t sign, then nothing has been lost. If it’s not a fit for them, it’s not a fit for us either. Out with the old, in with the true… (~an excerpt from ‘Love it Forward’).”

One thing is certain. I will carry on, soulfully and lusciously.

Until our next time,

Xxxs and Ooos