My good friend, Ed Pasqualin, passed away recently. Thankfully, I spent time with him in February while on Maui. Ed was one of my biggest Lily’s Lip Service fans!! I still cannot believe he is gone. I dedicate this post to him.
I ran across a post on my LilysLipService IG page: “How do I forget someone who made me feel complete but broke me at the same time”. thinkologyofficial. And it summed up exactly what I’ve been battling this week. HOW do I forget that person?? Even when it is absolutely vital that I DO forget them?
The other day, an absolutely gorgeous day, I was driving to the lake and contemplating things, as one often does while driving some distance. I was fantasizing, and not in a good way, about my ex. When I first thought about sharing this – I thought absolutely no way. It is too embarrassing. But then I followed that up that thought with – I am positive I am not the only one to have silly thoughts, wishing an ex is missing you, that may go something like this:
**me wishing my ex would text me**
Ex: Hunting is difficult.
Me: How in particular?
Ex: Not hunting with you.
**fantasy ends**
I feel shitty for feeling sad he doesn’t text me; I feel shitty for having wishful thoughts and fantasies; I feel shitty. The feelings ebb and flow with the seasons – with the milestones that pass by when we used to do them together or at least communicate about them.
Mostly this week I’ve been struggling with THINGS around me that remind me of him. I made the BIG mistake of watching some of our sex videos the other night. Good God. Horrible. Because they are so good. HOW THE FUCK do I delete those videos yet WTF I cannot watch them ever again. Too painful. I took a screen shot of a particularly HOT position we were in and almost fucking emailed it to him and said: guess I’m going to have to delete all these videos, even though I don’t want to. That would have been stupid. Thank god I managed to stop myself. Fuuuuuuck. If that’s not inviting drama-I don’t know what is. The response I would get would just be placative and honestly what do I expect?? Nothing. Which is why I managed to not email him. I even had his name in the TO box. My finger hovered over the SEND button. Scary close.
The harsh reality sets in: he doesn’t give a fuck. It’s good for me to get real with myself. It isn’t fun that’s for sure. I feel tortured almost beyond my ability to tolerate but I tell myself it is also helping me move on. I vacillate between feeling hopeful I can heal one day and feeling as though I am destroyed forever and may never come back. It’s been fucking brutal processing all of my failed relationships. From the most recent lover to my high school sweetheart who I married and divorced-it’s been kinda a shit show. I say “failed” in an ever-so-delicate way. I understand I have learned from each of them and I am who I am today because of them, but good God were they all just doomed from the beginning?
So, ya, been contemplating what I can and cannot get rid of. Unfortunately, there are some personal gifts-artwork-that are also made from MY own personal stuff that I cannot get rid of. Ever. So, I’m stuck with those. But I boxed a few things up. You know-like, the fox tail butt plug and that shirt he left behind and some gifty items that I don’t need to look at right now. There are certain sex toys that won’t ever be used with anyone else and not fun to use by myself. They are lingering, living memories. I can go ahead and tuck those away. Just like I’m neatly folding up and tucking away the corner of my heart reserved especially for HIM and my heartbreak. I’m not into the slashing and burning. I’ve written about that before. Thank God I still have a few THINGS that remind me of him. And things from exes before him too. I’m kinda stuck with a few reminders. But overall, out of sight, out of mind is what I need right now.
I’ve procrastinated on finishing this post, which I mostly wrote in early October, because I have been feeling enraged and it’s really going to shine through shortly. I have asked myself: am I becoming a man-hater? All I’ve been doing is raging and I’m concerned I’m beginning to sound like I do hate men. This most recent enraged feeling isn’t even related to the ex. I have every reason to be angry about aspects of that relationship and I feel so deeply injured by that relationship that it would make sense to continue to lash out. Buuuut the recent rage has nothing to do with HIM for the moment. lol. I know you may be wishing I would just get back to writing about fucking and my fucking adventures. And I will. But for now – I’m still gonna do some raging. I know I will veer into another direction soon; the rage tide is shifting. I’ve started sex therapy! Stay tuned for that journey.
The rage mostly has to do with someone who I was literally picturing in my mind as I was writing. I’m not at liberty to give certain details in order to observe my rules for myself and not say names or provide enough details that would give up identity. This person, this man triggered a very deep response from me. I realized that my relationship with him (nothing physical) is, in fact, another dysfunctional pattern I have with men.
My concerns about ranting and raving aside, I also find it necessary to again reaffirm that if anyone thinks I’m writing this blog to win a popularity contest you’ve gotten it all wrong. I’m here to SPEAK MY MIND and be a VOICE for others. Does everyone resonate with what I say? Absolutely not. Do I expect that? Absolutely not. Do I fucking care? ABSOLUTELY NOT. If you are reading any post and think it’s about you – maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. One thing is certain: I cannot hold back out of fear of offending anyone. I had to come to terms with that before I ever started writing the blog. Most of the time my stories are intertwined, often they are my personal experiences, very VERY often I write because it’s what I’m experiencing and hearing from several people at once. Please do not be butt-hurt by my words. There are better reasons to be butt-hurt, actual physical reasons like because you got your ass fucked and had the most amazing orgasm of your life. The point I make often-WE ARE ALL going through similar things or have gone through similar things and I want to NORMALIZE our sexuality and our experiences, our sexual thoughts, and our relationship feelings.
Here goes the rant. I.Am.Bitter! Guys if you REALLY want to BE fully in relationship with an amazing woman then, YES, we are going to ask that you LEAN IN to the relationship. And, fuck, if you really want the relationship then you also get to choose: do I want REAL or am I comfortable with complacent. If you want to be complacent then by all means move fucking along (from me anyway). Find the woman who ALLOWS you to be complacent. What I’m witnessing is time and again women are having to sacrifice what they truly want in relationship simply for the sake of DICK or what they perceive is the best they can get. What I’m also witnessing is the pathetic acts of many men who are so fucking needy all the goddamned time.
I’m not talking about your average woman. I’m talking about women who have spent the past 10 or even 15 years working on themselves and working on taking responsibility for themselves and their actions, behaviors, desires. I don’t personally know a single male who has done the same unless his partner has given him the ultimatum: get your shit together, stop being an asshole, or I’m LEAVING. Why do you guys push us to that point. Why is it you aren’t willing or apparently able to take those steps on your own without ultimatums?
If you’re chasing pussy, then chase pussy. It’s never been easier with Tinder and the like. Drive all over the state or fly across the country for that matter. I could care less. In fact-more power to you. I’ve done my fair share of chasing dick. But call it what it is and STOP trying to have relationships with amazing women who are absolutely clear from the start what they are and aren’t willing to live with. You don’t get to fuck that pussy. If you’re an actual good guy you will fucking walk away and go for the 2nd rate fuck that you know deep down isn’t what you really want but can’t quite find it within yourself to STEP UP and LEAN INTO a connection that would be mind blowing on ALL levels, not just you poking her with your cock.
And you know what else? Stop saying the words: I CAN’T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT. Just shut the fuck up, slink back to your dark corner. Because not being able to give us what we want is BLAME. Stop blaming us for your shortcomings. It’s gross. Oftentimes you don’t even know what we want because you don’t ASK.
Meanwhile, women are NOT having the “difficult” conversations that they need to be having because they don’t want to be labeled difficult or, as I just stated, blamed for asking for too much. Omg we are women in our 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s. We’ve seen enough, experienced enough to KNOW what we want. Many of us. Of course, I do not speak for every woman. Some may not be emotionally healthy either. Absolutely true. One thing is for sure-what I and other women are experiencing now. There’s a level of male neediness we cannot tolerate any longer. STOP ASKING US TO. Get off our tits. Your mama weened you long ago and she alone was the one responsible for your withdrawal from the milk of life. Your partners-wives, girlfriends, friends CANNOT be that for you. Go get therapy for your weening (dangerously close and related to whining) issues. Whether mommy did it right or perfectly no longer matters. You’re a grown man and it’s time to nurture yourself.
I know there are men who are trying hard to do it right. I get that. But here I am putting an emotional salve on your potentially wounded fragile male ego because I just typed out some harsh words. As women we have been trained for centuries to care for others at a great cost to our own well-being. May I just say now-it is TIME to stop. Myself included. I’m forced on the journey of having a relationship with myself. The most important relationship of all and maybe this is the first time I’m really doing this. It’s time to go deep (teehee) and really fall in love with ME.
If there is a man out there that can deal with MY shit-I will be shocked. First they have to deal with my crazy busy personal life, then my crazy busy professional life, then the inevitability of being written about in this blog AND also be able to accept there will be some lingering items around the house that were gifts from exes. Lmao good Lord help me I need it!!
Let me tell you – I talk about loving being single often but it is not for the faint-hearted. Esp given my current personal circumstances I do not have the patience or time to “date” and add in Covid and wham… it almost feels like the walls closed in on me by about 3 feet. I feel slightly claustrophobic AND slightly desperate all at once. Desperate for…. connection with a man on a much deeper level than I’ve experienced to date. That feels scary because it essentially seems impossible. Impossible because of my attitude and impossible because of past experiences, impossible because I really gave the dating scene a “go” a few years back and goddamned it’s awful.
While us ladies are journeying into self-discovery we need to stick together! You know what happens when us ladies don’t stick together? Well, a shit show ensues. For example, a man, a supposed “eligible bachelor” trying to date my best friend and I at the same fucking time-not telling us-and acting like he doesn’t understand WHY THE FUCK THAT’S NOT A GOOD IDEA. Again-goddammit. If my friend hadn’t reached out and asked-do you know this guy? We would’ve both gone on dates with him within days of each other.
It’s a small town and it happened again-only more subtlety the second time. A man friended both my friend (same friend as above) and I at nearly the same time. We both met up with him. She started dating him, I wasn’t interested. Unfortunately – she ended up thinking I was fucking her man. NOT. We have since worked it out. But wtf is going on?? Who does this? It’s not ok. We aren’t in our 20s anymore. Stop dating like you are still in your 20s, guys (unless you are in your 20s). If you want the 20-sonmething, that’s cool, no problem. When my friend asked me just the other day – would you be in a relationship if you were a millionaire? My response: with a young, hot dude, sure. But please don’t try to date me like I am 20-something. Although typically once a guy reads this blog – it’s all over anyway. Lol
Thankfully, I’m reeeaaaallllly good at making myself feel good. I tend towards indulgence. The other night WOW I had a good time with the blue dong. It’s been a while since I made myself squirt. I like to keep practicing to be sure I don’t lose my technique. I squirted sooooooo much and I hadn’t planned on it so I soaked the bed. Had to sleep on a towel. This is where my encouragement comes in-don’t be afraid to get stuff WET, very wet. Just roll with it. The sheets can be changed, the mattress will dry! If you feel the need to “pee” then you are actually ready to squirt or ejaculate. It’s NOT pee. If you want to work towards squirting I highly recommend you pee before sex AND practice on your own. Pee beforehand so you can RELAX about feeling like you’re peeing. It’s really crazy, but true, that women’s bodies create the liquid from stimulation around the vaginal opening and/or the G-spot. It does come out of our urethras! But it’s a very different liquid than pee.
Practice on your own so you know what makes YOU squirt! Penetration never needs to happen! Yes, stimulating the Gspot is a sure way to ejaculate but the area around the vaginal opening is ALSO going to create an ejaculation. I surprised myself with this knowledge years ago…. I squirted and had only been using a massager on the outside of my vagina. First, I couldn’t believe I squirted. Second, I couldn’t believe it didn’t require penetration. Mind blown. It still took me YEARS after that to get really CLEAR on HOW to squirt. That was V-Day 2016. Then a year later I started writing this blog.
I was reminded the other night that an object in your vagina will most likely block you from squirting. A penis or a dildo needs to be pulled out first. This is due to the fact that the hole where the ejaculate comes out is probably being obstructed by the object. I had fun removing the blue dong just enough so I could squirt a little bit, reinserted the blue dong for a bit, then pulled it all the way out and really let the fountain flow!
Someone asked recently so, again, here are my learning squirting suggestions from my May 4, 2017 post, “Squirting Revisited” based on Deborah Sundahl’s book which I highly recommend you download and read:
“I believe getting to know this part of yourself by yourself FIRST is your best bet. You can bring a lover into the experience after YOU get clear about HOW to do it. It’s kinda mechanical at first because it’s LEARNING. Plus, we don’t need performance anxiety added into the mix.
Get yourself dressed and feeling sexy. Dressed ….as in lingerie dressed. Feel GOOOOOD in your body. Get comfy. Be sure you have complete privacy. What’s going to be important is that you are able to RELAX. So, not worrying about interruptions is a good thing. We don’t wanna have someone burst in on you in the midst of a fountain shooting from your puss! that could be traumatizing. Be sure to be hydrated BUT it’s going to be best to empty your bladder. I find that I feel “paranoid” that I’m peeing if I haven’t just emptied my bladder. I also recommend that you have at least one orgasm before beginning your squirt journey. This gets you loosened up and also begins to get you plumped up and juicy. So have an orgasm or two, then go to the bathroom. And grab your towels!! I sat in my bed to do this. Be sure to protect your mattress. For reals.
Ok, so what I did is I downloaded the book into Kindle and while I was holding my phone in one hand and reading, I was following along with my other hand. You know, multitasking. It’s always been one of my strong suits. I’m not going to reinvent the language or technique here. I’m encouraging [you] to spend I think it was $8.00 on Deborah’s book. She’s clearly a pro. I started skimming through Chapter One – which is “a peek inside a female ejaculation workshop”. As Deborah began to get specific about what to DO, I essentially joined in as if I were a guest at the workshop. There’s some stuff she does first like – a banana exercise to see how strong your PC muscle is. But, you’ve all been doing your kegels as I instructed a few weeks ago – right?? I would say try not to get too focused on whether or not you have a toned PC muscle at this point. Just go with the flow…. and get to the part where you have your fingers in your vag and you’ve found and are massaging your G-spot. That’s first and foremost. Then, you do need a basic understanding of clenching your muscles and releasing them. This is what helps build up the fluid you’re gonna squirt. Let me clarify here too…. that what I didn’t realize is squirting is not or does not have to be directly related to an orgasm. So, in other words, I squirted but didn’t orgasm at the same time. If you read the book, you’ll see that Deborah talks about the difference between clitoral orgasms and G-spot orgasms…. and moving back/forth between them can be confusing at first if you’ve relied wholly on clitoral orgasms up until now. Just keep reminding yourself that this is a learning curve and one try may or may not result in a squirt. But, as with anything, practice makes perfect.
As you keep reading, when you get to the part in Chapter One where she’s talking about what she calls, “ejac rockets” that’s when I suggest you start paying closest attention (esp if you are kinda advanced like me; plus, I like to get to the end of things and then start over if necessary, that’s just my general personality; your personality style may warrant you read the book from cover-to-cover first. Just don’t get bogged down in the details is all I’m sayin’!). The “ejac rockets” are “the ejaculation sensations”. AGREED. It can feel uncomfortable at first. Deborah talks you through all of this. I recommend that you read word-for-word as she is guiding [you] through her workshop. You will be massaging your G-spot and pushing out as if you are trying to pee; clinching/pushing; clinching/pushing; massaging your G-spot; feeling your G-spot getting swollen. Focus on this for a while and relax with ALL the sensations which are new. The book takes you to this point – after you’ve spent some time massaging and clinching/pushing – Deborah will say take your fingers out and PUSH (feeling like you are peeing) and that’s when the squirt will happen. If it doesn’t, then you will “go back in” (lol) for more work of massaging, clinching/pushing.
I honestly totally shocked myself when, as I was following along and I did as was instructed, pulled out my fingers and pushed, that I squirted. Others don’t squirt the first time. There is no right or wrong.
So, ya, the mechanics of learning to squirt are just like many other things – following directions and instructions. We aren’t re-inventing this. It’s been mapped out – all we have to do is follow along. Once you are squirting, and the novelty has worn off a bit, THEN it becomes the thing that takes us to a new level of satisfaction. I personally find that I don’t desire to squirt every time I’m having sex. I haven’t yet gotten myself trained to squirt and orgasm at the exact same time, but very close. Of course it’s all related because it’s all arousal. I just want you to know it’s so fun and so deeply satisfying. This is not just a gimmick for entertainment. If we take seriously either Deborah or Kim Anami then we know that there is a much deeper meaning to our orgasmic possibilities.”
It’s 11.11 on 11.11! Let’s make a wish!! How about this: sexual health, well-being, AND total satisfaction.
I’m loving you all….. xx’s and oo’s all day long to you from me.