I just spent the past hour debating on whether or not I could finalize this post ….. you, know, like, BANG IT OUT. I finally decided, yes, indeed, I can and will bang it out. Then I may bang it out with myself too!
First, the breakup update. Four weeks since last communication; myemotions are still high and then super low. But the waves are further apart. It appears as though the lover has truly moved on. He has also moved out…. of town, far far away. To be closer to his family. And this is just GRAND because it certainly is helping ME move ON as well. I feel FREE-er knowing I won’t run into him anywhere. Like, you know that kind of relief, right?? If you’ve ever experienced a breakup-you know the beauty of not having to see them again. It helps to feel separate when there is physical distance. How many of us wish for our exes to LEAVE, go away, far far away. I unexpectedly have received this gift.
Another relationship I had, a much longer one at 10 years, was mostly on Maui. We met here in my hometown, but we moved to Maui together and so our relationship was lived there. When it ended I came back home. I didn’t have to see our favorite restaurants, or the apartment we rented on the beach, or the stroll along the shore. Essentially, I left the memories behind. It was soothing to come home and feel as though everything was fresh. A new start.
DISAPPEARING
The ex-lover did an excellent job as we exchanged our last emails to literally, and finally, convince me that-yes-absolutely we are done. I told him, sure, fine, I’m OUT, gone, like a ghost – a faint whisper as I disappear into the darkness surrounding us. He wins!! I lost this battle. I gave it my all and I know this feeling as I’ve had it before. It’s the feeling of completeness. It’s a knowing I left no stone unturned. I did all the right things to make it possibly work. It didn’t work. But that’s ok now. I am smiling. And I’m starting to breathe again too! Aaaahhh finally feeling moments of relief from the pain and heartache. I’m even having thoughts of: I really am better off without him. The emotional release from no longer engaging in the cycle of drama is liberating.
DEEP, DEEPLY, DEEPER (all my favs)
It’s not even the kind of sex I want to have anymore. Sure-it was great sex, best ever. But I’ve started to imagine what it COULD be like to have that kind of sex AND for both of us to be willing to dive deep into the intimacy along with it. To allow the LOVE connection to consume us as we connect our bodies. THAT’S what I’m looking for now. Next level sex AND intimacy. Because I wanna get electrified when I kiss my man… and I wanna know he gets electrified kissing me too. For starters-just go ahead and look deep into my eyes. And I want to keep using the word DEEPLY (you know how much I love that word). Because these things go hand-in-hand: deep emotion while getting deeply penetrated.
The wounds left behind are also DEEP, unfortunately. I allowed too much for too long. But who has the strength to easily walk from one who touches us in profound ways? And not just sexually but a level of compatibility that begs attention. Just as the Grand Canyon was carved by the ever flowing Colorado river – I gave in to the gentle caresses I received from this lover and over time that carved out some of the deepest soul impressions I’ve experienced to date. But I reread his recent emails over and over and decided to really “LISTEN” and take to heart what he was saying: he does NOT want to continue with our relationship in any way. OK OK!! I give up fighting for what I thought was pretty worthwhile to fight for. That’s what I do though-keep fighting longer than is necessary-just so I know I have given it my all. Zero regrets. In my opinion his reasoning for ending what we have is shallow and unfortunate. But that’s HIS JOURNEY. My journey is different, and I absolutely have enough on my plate addressing my own shitshow of decisions to keep me busy. I don’t need to try and steer another adult in any one particular direction or another.
Isn’t this the crux of relationship in general? I speak about expectation often and the injury that can be caused when we don’t take responsibility for OUR expectations of another human being. Expectation is literally when we are projecting our personal desires onto another’s path. Adults make their own decisions and good god we need to recognize we cannot control. When I say we I mean ME.
For now, in between my moments of feeling relief, I feel sadness and then I feel hatred toward myself. The self-loathing is when I catch myself missing HIM. I keep asking myself: why the fuck would I want to BE with someone who so very clearly doesn’t want to be with me? That’s the fucked-up part of this equation for me to figure out and address. That’s the part of MY journey I can look into DEEEEEPly (teehee). I mean-part of the difficulty in letting go has been his words and actions and language from the PAST, even the recent past. But his actions and things he said did not match up. We had really great chemistry. But I’m seeing it differently than he is, and I am choosing to honor his journey. In that moment of recognizing my projection – I was gifted the realization that I can and WILL walk away from this connection with my Self intact.
GIVE & RECEIVE
When to walk, when to stay? These are good questions that I have even had to ask myself about friendships. I ran into a friend recently who ghosted me and our friendship. Like – she even unfriended me on Facebook. I could care less about Facebook but good Lordy Lord without any explanation she left our friendship. It allowed me the opportunity to self-reflect. I get that relationships can come and go. This has happened on a number of occasions and I’ve been on both sides of the relationship endings. People change. Hands-down. Or we realize something isn’t working and have to decide – is it worth fighting for and to what do we owe ourselves and them as far as an explanation? This can feel like quicksand.
On the same day I ran into this friend who had ghosted me, I also had the final email exchange with the ex. Then at the end of the night – I had good friend text me, out of the blue, “I’m so so so grateful to know you and to love you Lily.” Holy shit! Right then I cried. I cried because all I could think was: THIS is the kind of love and validation I’m looking for in ALL of my relationships. It is what I GIVE and it is what I desire to RECEIVE. Why spend any time, at all, scratching my nails down a chalkboard trying to get someone to love me, to accept me, to allow me to bestow my love upon them? Herein, again, lies my WORK. Here is an excellent mantra: “If you are willing to look at another person’s behavior toward you as a reflection of the state of their relationship with themselves rather than a statement about your value as a person, then you will, over a period of time cease to react at all.” Yogi Bhajan
Live and Let Live.
Don’t we all-too-often ask ourselves: why doesn’t so and so “love” me? What’s wrong with me that they won’t choose me? How can I get them to choose me? Competition ensues. There’s plenty of books and articles concerning the subject of how to win over that guy. I’ve rec’d the emails from Christian Carter. A supposed good-looking guy (that’s the photo on the website anyway) who doles out advice on how to get the guy. Directly from his website: “Get My Best Tips And Advice Sent Directly To Your Inbox: *How to create attraction in a man; *What he REALLY thinks about love & Commitment; *The ONE thing you need to know for a man to fall – and stay – in love; *What a man NEEDS to feel to keep him hooked-for good.” https://www.catchhimandkeephim.com/
OMG apparently “getting the guy” is a formula!
Where does it fit into that formula that as we LIVE our lives – relationship – all relationships, the RIGHT relationships – will come our way. Christian Carter’s advice programs seem to tell the story of a game. While I understand there are certain common characteristics of attracting a healthy partner I do not believe it’s healthy to think we can mold and shape ourselves into a “Stepford Wife” sort of figure and then ONLY THEN will we get the guy. What’s underlying here is we aren’t good enough. If only we could behave in this exact way will we then deserve to be noticed. I’m so sick of this narrative.
END THIS NOW
Then there’s women’s greatest enemy: another woman. And I’m not talking only about a competition for that ONE guy. There ARE plenty of women who feel in competition. What I’m talking about is an underlying current where we are all in competition with each other on all levels. Judgments about who we are with, how we dress, if we shave, if we remove body hair at all and how, looking younger, if we have children and how many, we judge women who stay home with their child, and women who work and put their child in daycare. I recently watched this video, women who have chosen to NOT have children:
One woman spoke a very real truth. Her biggest critics of choosing to not have children are women. I’ve experienced that both in my choice to not birth a child, and my choice to be single. The same phrases this woman stated, I’ve heard, and more.
When will we STOP, ladies? What will it take for us to unite so we truly can change the world? And for the better. Not because we are women acting like men but because we are fully and completely and totally embracing our womanhood, each other, and ourselves.
Get out the MIRROR
A great start? Get to know your own BODY for fuck’s sake. Get out that mirror, look at your pussy, and LOVE it. Stop hating, stop getting grossed out. Embrace your sexuality. Start having the orgasms. Not because you are WITH someone but because you know there’s about 10 different ways you can orgasm and why not feel that pleasure? The world is a far FAR better place if we are all orgasming more. And the good Lord knows men have been certainly getting THEIR fair share. Why not us???
Where did we fracture? When did we start closing our legs? Who told us to and why? Have you ever given this some real thought? Frightened men are our enemy. They know the power a woman yields when she is well-fucked. Today’s frightened men don’t fully grasp that thought. They only feel it. They are riding on the coat-tails of their forefathers who saw fit to suppress the goddess-the feminine. Witch trials for one. But then when did we turn on each other? Was it when they were burning us at the stake? It was either me or you. Not all men are frightened, thankfully. But many are and we have a lot of work to do.
BBC
On to bigger, better things. I’ve been wanting to write about big black balls for some time now. Back in the Spring during quarantine I was on a Covid19 Zoom birthday bash. Of course, the convo turned to sex. Then this photo circulated in texts:
His name is Barry Wood. If you’ll notice I placed an “X” marks the spot for you – my copy did not have the “X”. You can Google this photo if you want to 😉 I didn’t want to frighten anyone away. When I see this – all I can say is I feel sheer terror. Lol and omg what a CHORE that would be to blow! Or as one friend put it, “it’s a freak of nature.” I Googled it people. Supposedly, it’s photo shopped although 2 people said in our group text they had seen him in porn and it was real. Someone texted, “I want someone to watch a porn with him in it and then report back to me with the details, I just don’t want the actual images in my head.” I volunteered for that job! It lead me down a path of watching porn with black dudes. To see if I could find Barry (I didn’t) or if any of them had THIS size of a penis. I did not see THIS size but oh shit there’s some SIZE out there.
This research project got me remembering something I haven’t thought about in many years. I screwed a dude, a black dude, who worked in the produce section of a Whole Foods in Marin County, CA. I think he gave me his number-or asked for mine? I can’t recall for sure. His name was BLEEP haha (omg it’s a unique name and I ALMOST gave up his identity; whew!). He also had a girlfriend which he didn’t tell me about at first. Then I think when I showed up at his house maybe the 3rd time? He told me, before we had sex, but I fucked him anyway (woops, embarrassing). Then that was it.
He had a long schlong. Like, too long. That hurts. One time we were doing it in the shower and he was behind me and he jabbed me so hard I screamed. It even shocked me when I screamed. It was super high pitched and loud. But it just came out of me. He was strong. He would pick me up and I’d straddle him and bounce up and down. But he was not as well-endowed as one would perhaps assume. He had length but not girth. I prefer it the other way around. Size matters but size is relative. It is NOT a deciding factor. Unless, of course, it’s like a crooked pencil and he wants to fuck . Well, then size matters and the answer is a polite, no.
I own my own set of big black balls and they are ORGASMIC. I use them to pleasure myself with. I roll out knots. This thing is absolutely incredible, and I highly recommend you get one:
I just noticed my penis calendar (from Italy) is on June. It’s August. I wasted a month of penis. WTF! Does this correlate to me not wanting any penis right now? I forgot to turn the page on my calendar. I mean-don’t get me wrong-I want a penis. A certain penis. The forbidden one. Why is it always the forbidden one that’s the most alluring? This is not-the grass is greener on the other side-kind of thing. This is like innate desire driven by the astrological and astronomical deep, dark space of time, endless time, as though in the blink of an eye the fire of soul connection ignites when two black holes collide. Then we feel nirvana. But I’ve pretty much lost my will and desire to engage further into the abyss of ANY new sort of relationship. While I’m desirous of relationship SHOULD it happen… that SHOULD… and what it would take to get there feels too emotionally surmountable. As in it just does not feel worth it. It’s almost like the idea of a one night stand here and there once again sounds alluring. For the sake of sex… for the sake of a dick. Neither of which I’ve decided to give up on. As of this moment anyway. However, neither of those paths are alluring enough for me to act. I have had some fabulous offers this week for sex! Want to say thank you to these men who are offering me some lusciousness.
I’ve recently been on the receiving end of some amazing cunninlingus…. kidding….. of some amazing fantasy messages from a man who I haven’t met yet. He’s been sharing his fantasies about me. It’s been fun! And hot!! There’s the one of the slow and steady straddle while he’s shoveling strawberry rhubarb pie into my mouth. Yum!!! He’s fondling my tits… pinching my nipples, grabbing my ass as I rock back and forth in between finger scoops of pie going into my mouth. Oh how yummy!
DISTRACTION
I’ve been rockin’ out (omg stupid) and I was thinking it seems as though the singer Halsey, at half my age, has pretty much been destroyed in relationships like I feel I have been. She really nails the poetry of heartbreak and RAGE in her songs and I’ve been resonating. I then Googled and she’s not the writer of the songs. Ok, darn. But still loving her voice AND the music. Apparently, Ashley Frangipane, who has a hand in writing many of Halsey’s songs, knows the breakup pain and rage.
Take a listen:
Be Kind https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ePao0cTGG-o
You Should Be Sad https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8nBFqZppIF0
Without Me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAfAud_M_mg
3am https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N1eVrWkj03o
Still Learning https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KHcatGp2_6w
Nightmare https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q_dqfcvTZik
Bad at Love https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xdYFuCp3m9k
11 Minutes https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2m6nGyM8kTs
Welp – it’s just past midnight aaaaaaannnnnnd IT’S MY BIRTHDAY!! woot!!! That was my motivation to get this OUT to you! You know I love ya and I know I’m gonna be feelin’ the BIRTHDAY LOVE from you too!
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