FAKING THE O

I’m gonna go ahead and pick up where I left off last time. Faking orgasms. I was sounding kind of preachy, I know. Or, downright judgmental. RUDE, right?!?! SORRY, but not sorry.

That shit affects us all. Faking orgasms is a ripple effect. You give the guy a false message: I’m good in bed; I know how to please a woman. He doesn’t learn HOW to. Now you have to “fake cum” every time in order to keep HIS ego satisfied. AND you aren’t having orgasms which HAS TO put you in a pretty fucking pissy mood. I know when I’m left WANTING more… I’m annoyed to say the least. And for good reason. Don’t fucking apologize for that shit. COME ON.

So now we have a dude who thinks he knows how to get women off, and we have a chick who’s pissed off. This is a catastrophe.

What is this and how have we gotten here? I don’t have that answer, just so you know. I haven’t researched shit and my statistic is going to come from a 1989 movie: “When Harry Met Sally”. The all-too-famous “I’ll have what she’s having” scene. But before her fake orgasm in the busy restaurant, Meg Ryan, or Sally, and Billy Crystal, or Harry, have a discussion:

Sally Albright: Most women at one time or another have faked it.

Harry Burns: Well, they haven’t faked it with me.

Sally Albright: How do you know?

Harry Burns: Because I know.

Sally Albright: Oh. Right. That’s right. I forgot. You’re a man.

Harry Burns: What was that supposed to mean?

Sally Albright: Nothing. It’s just that all men are sure it never happened to them and all women at one time or other have done it, so you do the math.

I’m pretty much in agreement with Sally’s math too. I’ve heard lots of stories.

What’s behind this is our inherent desire (dysfunctional desire) as women to PLEASE at all costs. Apparently, even at the expense of giving up our very own pleasure and sexual satisfaction. STOP IT. You know why?? Because that guy would be a million more times happier knowing you are truly orgasming. A million. If not, he’s a douche and it’s time to re-evaluate that shit.

Ugh. I know the routine tho. I’m not completely unsympathetic even tho it has sounded like I am to this point. I have been there. I know that desire to fake it to just GET IT OVER WITH. I get the temptation. …when you just want the jack-hammering to STOP already.

Porn is NOT Real.

Guys. Seriously. Stop with that jack-hammering you see in porn bull crap. NO ONE LIKES IT. Sure, it can feel good to get pounded good and hard for a while but if that’s all you got… and are giving… your woman is PISSED OFF. She’s NOT cuming, she’s faking. You are paying a big price for that. (Think quote: “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”. Then multiply by 3 cause that’s how many orgasms you should’ve REALLY been giving her).

Admittedly we are BOTH at fault. Women for faking; Men for believing in porn and jack-hammering.

Now what??? Well, I’m putting this one on you, ladies. Just stop. Stop being fake. Start with that. Just lay there… I mean I’ve made sounds and gestures like mmmm yes, there, that feels good…mmmm. But don’t take it to that vocal orgasmic level. Resist that. And simply express – no, I didn’t cum. Start there. Eventually you’re gonna have to own up (esp those of you in relationships), and be able to say what you need, what you want, and specifically THIS is what makes me cum. Then show him.

But, you gotta know how to show him!! And you’ll need to be involved too. Do YOU know what to show him, how to guide him? If not, get busy doing your own homework: masturbation 101.

Getting yourself off is KEY!

Masturbating is KEY and one of the best pieces of advice I ever read was: WATCH your lover masturbate. You will see what gets them off and be able to mimic that. But right now most importantly here, YOU need to know how to get YOURSELF off.

I know a lot of my friends are laughing right now and thinking, duh. But I’m pretty sure I’m speaking to a good number of you. Masturbate so you know what to ask, and tell, and show your partner to do.

I struggle with this. Still!! Me!!!???! Lol!! Asking for what I want and need. Squirting is amazing but also pretty messy. I said “grab a towel” in my first post but a friend pointed out, “Don’t you mean towel[S]”. She’s right. It gets wet and messy and I need things a certain way still, a certain position, and it’s difficult to even say, or ask, “I’d like to squirt while we’re fucking this time”. In fact, weeks will go by….and it makes me blush a little. Guess what?? Turns out blushing is attractive! What I’m saying is, squirting is a little bit of a chore for me still. But, A WORTHWHILE chore! My MOST satisfying chore EVER chore. And if I didn’t ask… it wouldn’t be being enjoyed, and TRUST ME your man will enjoy it. Probably pretty much go out of his mind a little bit. Doesn’t that feel a little powerful??? There’s a reason we say, “you’re blowing my mind”.

Speaking of BLOWING. Yep, you know where I’m “head”ed here. This is the beauty of a mind that thinks S-E-X pretty much 24/7. There’s a word every other sentence that it can exploit. So, BLOWING. What a thing, huh? Men adore it, many women despise it. I don’t happen to be one of those women right now. But, I used to refuse to give them. There’s a story behind that; that’s for another time.

Are blowjobs really THAT amazing?

I believe blowing is a learned art. And it’s not right every time, with everyone. It’s a making love of a different kind. It’s between you (your mind), your mouth and tongue, and their dick. And hopefully it’s not a gigantic dick. I’m ok with my fair share of gagging but a big dick just bites the big one when it comes to having it jammed into my mouth. Again, the porn. Those chicks are PROFESSIONALS guys. Think like this: your accountant friend fixing your broken toilet vs. the licensed plumber fixing it. You gotta PAY for the experience and licensing. I’m a huge fan of bribery. Women love chocolate, dinner out, or take-out, wine/booze, massages – NOT from you because we know where THAT’S headed – but a GC. You get my drift here. BUY that BJ and you’ll get more and she’ll get better. Mmmmk???

Alright I think I’ve probably bored you long enough…or, wait, if you’re still reading then that’s a good sign!

Signing OFF for now, so I can go get off.

Xoooxxox