Oooohhhhh V-Day. It’s always a love/hate relationship with this day. For some – you either love or hate it; for others – it’s a little of both. I’m a little of both. It’s fun to go ahead and really spread the L.O.V.E. on one day in particular. But I’ve seen many comments to the contrary that I resonate with as well. Today, as I scrolled through Facebook, various friends quoted, “don’t put so much expectation on your partner to perform on one given day; take a look at the entire year of action.”
Agreed.
Another stated, “It’s a weird commercialized holiday to me where going out for dinner is such a pain, service takes way too long. It’s like going to Universal or Disney on a high crowd day, just too many people to deal with.” Then she provided access to this article: “Valentine’s Day wasn’t always about love.”
I agree with that too.
I also celebrate V-Day slightly; and of course being this is our FOURTH YEAR ANNIVERSARY together at Lily’s Lip Service, woot woot, and my FIFTH YEAR ANNIVERSARY for teaching myself how to squirt – well, I kinda LOVE the day in a way. But, I mean, overall, it’s such a sham. It’s yet another marketing scam where we have been essentially brain-washed into believing this “holiday” is worth shit at all.
I had a whole ‘nother post written and when I took a look at it last night to post it – I was like, nah. It’s too …… it just wasn’t good enough. I haven’t ever had that experience in the four years I’ve been writing these blog posts. I believe it’s just simply that I, for one write much longer posts now, and two I was so prolific in the beginning! I would literally wake up at like 5am and THAT IS NOT SOMETHING I DO to write for you guys! I was so stoked to share so many wacky things! I still am stoked to share all the things but I’m pickier about how I present them now.
To write tonight, I decided to put on one of my all-time fav albums by my all-time fav singer, Sade. OOOhhh lala I love her. Particularly was interested in listening to “You’re Not the Man” tonight. These words, in her voice, have been haunting me for months:
“You’re not the man
Who stepped inside my life
And haunted every, every day
That was someone who you left behind
A long time ago
You’re not the man
Who would bleed for me
Never shed a tear
You’re not the one
Said he’d always, always, always be near.”
Please really do listen to it; so haunting.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ru2gaH2shc0
I’m thankful for every moment he and I were actually together in each other’s presence. It was the in-between that got me all fucked up. The times we weren’t together when my mind, heart, and soul raced with longing and desire for more.
But then one of my fav people who I discovered on Facebook years ago, Jeff Brown, omg he writes this, and I get it! As painful as this is, I get it:
“We have a natural tendency to assume that a remarkable chemistry between two souls is confirmation that they are meant to be together. In the heat of profound feelings, it seems counter-intuitive to imagine ourselves separate from our beloved. But chemistry and longevity are not necessarily bedfellows. Just because we feel earth-shatteringly alive with someone doesn’t mean they are supposed to be our life partner. They may have come for a very different reason-to awaken us, to expand us, to shatter us so wide open that we can never close again. Perhaps they were sent from afar to polish the rough diamond of our soul before vanishing into eternity. Better we surrender our expectations when the beloved comes. (S)he may just be dropping in for a visit. Is the kettle on?” Spiritual Graffiti by Jeff Brown.
You know – he treated me horribly and I allowed it. How do I reconcile this? For too long I wanted more but settled for less and less. I wanted the illusion, and I didn’t get the message above, I hadn’t discovered Jeff yet. I got thru the painful moments by slapping a bandaid on the wound and moving forward – thinking I was resolving the issue. WRONG. Now months later and I’m crying more now than I did back in the Spring when it blew up in my face. Now every single one of those bandaged wounds is festering-never healed, never resolved as I so bravely or brazenly proclaimed to myself. Now I am haunted. The painful memories popping into my mind all too often. When can I step off this merry-go-round of hell?
Funny thing is-I viewed it as being “open to options” and “easygoing”. Which I am both things. I don’t need anything really. But I wanted what WE had. Chemistry. I gave him a lot of latitude. In the end-it’s really biting me in the ass. I was too easy-going. How do these wounds heal? With time I suppose and hope. But I will be left with the scars. Forever altered, never coming back fully to my pre-HIM existence.
I just loved that dick. There was something about it. And his cum was so yum. I swear I was addicted to it like a crack whore.
I’m a dick whore.
A nymph.
Which phraseology do you prefer? They both get me to the same place: I loved to suck and fuck that particular cock.
THE LIST
When I was in my early 40s I wrote out what I wanted in a man. You know – we’ve all done it; “the list” of traits. Some swear by it. The ones who found a man who EXACTLY fits every single expectation jotted down. Did I get what I wanted when I wrote out my my list? Maybe. What I didn’t expect was the total lack of commitment on both our parts. Neither of us willing to go into the relationship fully. Him and well he had his reasons. Me and well I didn’t want to push too hard or make too many waves or he might disappear forever. He disappeared anyway. So-if there’s one thing to learn-it is to bring up and talk about the hard stuff when it arises. Not to stuff it down inside. Because it will and it has for me come welling up-all at once-choking me until I fall on my knees, melting in a pool of tears.
Will I pull myself back up? Yes. Will I get thru this? Yes. Will I be unscathed? No. Because I threw myself into a pit of lava. And I got burned.
Nothing between us was sacred EXCEPT those moments when we surrendered to each other and entered the portal to bliss. More on surrender in a bit.
BETTER ALWAYS CLARIFY WHAT “DATING” MEANS
I went thru a guy’s phone once. Someone I was naively “dating”. I should have known better. It is strange because to this day it is a mystery to me how I even ended up doing it in the first place. That may sound difficult to believe. I hadn’t been thinking about it or obsessing about whether he was seeing someone else or not. But one night after we’d had sex and passed out I woke up, leaned over him to turn off the light we’d left on, his phone caught my attention and seriously next thing I knew I was reading text exchanges between him and some chick and he was calling her babe. That’s what he called me. W.T.F. jesus I can’t believe I continued with him after that. My standards were clearly set extremely and embarrassingly LOW. Of course he was PISSSSSED I had looked thru his phone. I hadn’t kept looking. All at once feeling like the betrayed AND the betrayer. I put the phone down, laid back down and thought for one second I might try to ignore what I just saw. YA RIGHT. Nope lights turned on and in a shrill voice no one wants to hear at any hour of the day, let alone at 2am, I said: are you seeing someone else?!?!?!?! Imagine getting woken up by that!!! Yikes
BUT I didn’t learn my lesson. Nope. Had to stoop lower and lower to remain within his circle until one day he realized I was a doormat and didn’t want me anymore. Because doormats aren’t sexy.
An Orgasm A Day Keeps the Blues Away
I have felt stripped and stomped on and beaten up then thrown into the trash by this hell of a year. THEN all of a sudden – it was 2021!!! I wanted to write for the end of the hellish year but the end snuck past me and now here we are at the middle of February already. I let 2020 slip away quietly. I kept feeling like I needed to do something monumental and post something monumental here. You know-to say fuck you 2020 go away and never come back. Instead, I got snuggled up on the couch at about 11pm, turned on Wonder Woman 1884. I looked at the clock one more time then forgot all about “midnight” until I looked at the clock at the end of the movie and it was 2am. It was a perfectly fitting way for 2020 to end. Buh bye ya bitch.
It would seem my only New Year’s Resolution and I use that term vaguely because I didn’t declare this my NY resolution but it’s the only thing I committed to for the new year and that was/is to have more orgasms!! So far, so good!! I’ve been enjoying short and long sessions of orgasming and squirting quite often. Jeez thank God because it seems as though I may have a nasty case of SAD because good Lordy I’ve been in a grumpy moody mood. It’s been a real BEOTCH-life has been that is.
BACK TO SURRENDER THO
Some of us get off on surrendering. I was fantasizing and getting quite turned on about him biting my lip hard enough to make it bleed a little bit and lick and suck the blood while he fucked me super deep (tee hee) and hard. I might even be crying or at least teary from the bite. That was last night. Just now when I was thinking about that fantasy I wondered to myself-what about this fantasy is really turning me on? And as I envisioned being intertwined with my lover in this very heated moment a feeling of surrender washed over me. Because to surrender and give in to one’s and also another’s passion is a portal to the ultimate BLISS of sexual satisfaction.
I surrendered to myself and indulged in an epically sweeeeet orgasm the other night. I had fallen asleep but woke back up feeling aroused. I started running my fingers through my pubic hairs and trust me – it is THICK down there – but it was making me feel tingly. I decided to wake up enough to get a little oil and start rubbing my labia. Mmmmm I was feeling my entire pussy and lips getting swollen. I was avoiding my clit and massaging all around it since WE ALL KNOW because we have read each of my blogs but particularly the ones giving step-by-step instructions on how to squirt that massaging all the tissue in and around the labia will produce the liquid that you can then squirt out if you so choose. Jeez!! Anywho – away from the lecture and back to my masturbation story – WE ALL KNOW we can heighten our orgasmic pleasure by ALOT if we are also squirting. Then doing those together – cum and squirt – that is next level also.
I was close to orgasm for quite some time. I decided I wanted to add another toy so I got a butt plug from my drawer and slowly introduced that. I like it when the metal is chilly. It’s lubed up of course. I pretty much always use coconut oil these days. Feels nourishing also. (insert laughing face emoji here).
In POPS the butt plug because it is shaped like an hour glass, right? And ya gotta get the bigger part IN to then have the tight little butthole land on a much skinnier part. I like anal so that’s not really necessary for me, to have the smaller part, but it feels good and is also easier by myself if I also want to insert my blue dong which is what I also did the OTHER other night.
I sat on it – the blue dong. Squatted over my black metal chair and fucked the blue dong while tickling my ass with the plug. It takes some effort but DAMN it is worth it!
I soaked the metal chair with squirt too of course.
So, ya, there is THAT January/February sun-deficient mood boosting exercise!
Copy it! Be me! lol. An orgasm a day will keep the blues away. Let’s make it our motto during these cold, dark months.
Xoxoxoxoxo
Happy V-Day to all ‘ya all no matter how you feel about the day.
p.s. I will continue the Feb 13th cucumbers and chocolates post next – I promise!